


Dear

by PurpleSunrise



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: F/F, Forgiveness, Happy Ending, Mentions of Rape, Mentions of eating disorder symptoms, Mentions of potential infant death (doesn’t happen), No Beta, No-one gets high in the story though, Now with Beta! From Chapter “8” (It’s 7 really) onwards, PTSD, Personal Growth, Potentially triggering details of mental illness symptoms, Recovery, Self Harm, Story told in letters, Trading/dealing weed is mentioned a lot, Unfinished, accountability, constructive feedback welcomed, mentions of fearing pregnancy loss (does not happen), mentions of pregnancy caused by rape, part 2 spoilers, writing fanfic as a form of therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:49:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24943387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurpleSunrise/pseuds/PurpleSunrise
Summary: POST PART 2: SPOILER through to the ending. See start of work note for a proper summary.An epilogue in which [...] does the hard work to [....]Told via letters and notes. Cannon-compliant, focusing on recovery and a meaningful, earned reconciliation.I’ve kept ratings and warnings on the high end for the content. Archive warnings relate to cannon events which are referenced in the work. No new deaths will occur. Infrequent violence at below cannon-typical levels.Frequent strong language, including some very strong language.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 54
Kudos: 190





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> An epilogue in which Ellie does the hard work to get her family back.
> 
> Be warned that Ellie, Dina and Maria will all be positive about Ellie’s choice to spare Abby. DLDR. 
> 
> Please do not worry about Cat’s inclusion because there will be absolutely no love triangle whatsoever. None. At all. That’s not why she’s here.

Dear Dina,

It’s done. Not in the way I planned (I doubt Tommy will ever forgive me) but it’s over forever now, and I won’t waste what I have anymore.

I’ve missed you and JJ non-stop, drawn you, wrote songs for you, I think of you both in my dreams. The good ones, at least. I know that I owe you both so much better and that’s why I’m writing you this and not rushing over to you with my tornado of poison.

You once said you couldn’t imagine me ever doing is asked instead of whatever Ellie wants, but I am determined that won’t be true anymore, Dina. Not when it comes to you, to JJ, or to the welfare of your home and community.

So here’s what I have to offer. You deserved to know either way if I was alive, to be spared that doubt, so I knew I had to get this letter to you without delay.

But it’s not fair to you for me to just show up, almost back from the dead, and have your nurturing nature pulled into seeing and handling the sorry state I’ve gotten myself in so I’m not going to enter the walls today. Or ever, unless you ask me to. But I won’t be stupid anymore, either, I’ll be staying within the outer perimeter, as near to safety as I can be without interfering with your life. (Again, that’s unless you or Maria instruct otherwise, in which case I shall move or leave as required.)

I can’t pretend I don’t hope, Dina, and so I’ve thought about how I might keep my poison away from you both without having to stay away altogether. And here’s what I can offer. There’s 2 rabbits with this letter, a small starting point to what I will offer. I have kept the furs for now, to make JJ some new warm items before winter returns. I’ll leave them at the gate when they’re finished. You can leave any requests you like for me at the gate, big or small, whether they are essentials, luxuries or for trades you wish to make, and I will work to get them for you and deliver them back to the gate.

I went by Eugene’s place at the old bookstore and managed to pick up a few books that might help me improve myself and how I cope. My first goal is going to be to gain a few pounds and I’ll go from there. I also picked up the enclosed baby books for JJ. Unless/until I hear from you, I’ll keep at it with gathering whatever things might be of use for you or worth some for you to trade with and leave them at the gate for you.

I will keep enough for myself to stay healthy so that you have no need to worry. I am done making stupid choices. Every stupid choice I make runs the risk that things are worse for JJ than they need to be. I wish I had realised that sooner. But I didn’t, I know you need more from me than “sorry.” My flashbacks haven’t really improved but my rage is gone now. I watched Abby, half-dead herself, use the strength she had left to carry a half-dead child to safety, and I saw Joel.

He could’ve been killed out of revenge a decade ago for his callous actions after the outbreak, before we ever met, and yet he wasn’t. And so here I am, alive and having been given at least a few short years of a family because he wasn’t. Or Joel could’ve been killed by the families of the men he tortured to save me from cannibals, long before we’d ever even dreamed of a life in Jackson, and I would’ve been Lev. This world has broken us all, and when I thought of Joel, I remember something he told me every time I doubted our future: “No matter what, you keep finding something to fight for,” I realised I was fighting the wrong fight. I knew he wouldn’t be proud of the fight I picked, and I want to fight for the right things now.

I consider you my soulmate and in my wildest dreams I am one day able to prove myself good enough for you and reunite our family for good, but I don’t expect this and my support is not conditional on anything. You can move on for good without fear that my contributions will dry up. I will keep supporting you as long as you are willing to accept it.

I’m too selfish to tell you that I could ever be happy for you should you get a new, better partner, but I can recognise that you deserve better, deserve the best. So if you or do find someone better, know will do whatever it takes to ensure that my jealously and weakness won’t harm your chances of happiness with another. I want to provide and help however I can, and I know I owe you the knowledge that you aren’t shackled to me because of this.

—

Ellie,

Eugene’s old farm could be a sensible base for you. All the equipment and the generator are still there, I’ve informed patrol of its whereabouts and that you may well use it. I have also told Maria that, should you make a base for yourself there, then you will do your part to keep infected nearby at bay, and that you will keep any required or helpful communications with the patrol teams in that area. Ensure that you inform them at the gate of your plans, co-operate fully in contributing the safety of the area, and avoid leaving the town’s patrol with any uncertainty around your whereabouts should you wish to leave or travel.

Restoring that weed farm could offer us a long-term, renewable source of something to trade with for JJ’s future so perhaps you could turn your hand to that. JJ and I are self-sufficient here in Jackson, so we have no particular need for anything from you, but toys, books or other useful items for him would not be unwelcome.

I am healthy and JJ is developing well. We are all glad you are not dead.

Dina.

—

Dear Ellie,

Dina informs me you are living within the Jackson fringe and plan to make regular visits to the wall. I do not oppose this, but I will caution you that I must put my town first in the case of any conflict. Cooperation and caution on your part is essential. Do not alarm my patrols or take to roaming the area without taking precautions to avoid concerning the community.

You must especially remember that if you seen to have been bitten or to have ingested spores, you will be dealt with as normal. Do not be complacent about your immunity, Ellie, because I cannot have any alterations made to protocol on this. I enclose a small bottle of an acid that would create a similar chemical burn to the two you have already so I’m reassured that you have some. However, make no mistake: this is not me giving you permission to take risks that might require you to use it, and do not expect me to be pleased should I find that you have needed to use it. I nonetheless I enclose this just in case of the unforeseen and perhaps because if I must have a fool of a niece I’d still rather have a live one.

You also need to ensure you get your mind prepared regarding how you will handle reactions to your second burn. One burn from the adolescence can be presumed to be an accident, but now that you have a second and much more visible burn to contend with (not to mention that living alone outside the walls brings with it the higher risk of further bites), you will need to present yourself convincingly as a self-harmer if you want to avoid suspicion. Try to make some use of your most self-destructive urges for once, and channel them into convincing yourself that this is true.

You may have heard that Tommy and I are making our divorce final. I want to make the following very clear: this does not mean that you are no longer my niece. You will always be my niece, even though you listened to my fool husband and abandoned your family to follow his pathetic suicide mission. When he pressured you like that, he tore our family forever — you know as well as I that, brothers or not, Joel would’ve come back from dead if he could just to kick Tommy’s arse in oblivion for the shit I hear he gave you — but you and I were left on the same side of the torn page, Ellie, our family bond still matters to me.

I think you’ve been a fool, Ellie. You were a parent, and yet you failed your child, and I won’t be the one to coddle you over that. Now that said, for God’s sake do better than your uncle in the aftermath and don’t be a fool yet again. Don’t mistake accountability for rejection. Joel gave you the softer side of unconditional love, something you needed so much of, but I hope you’ve always known that the tough side of love I’ve given you is no less love. People who love you are not thereby required to tolerate your bullshit or enable your stupidity, Ellie. I never have, I never will and you must know that this does not mean I love you the less.

I read the whole of your letter to Dina and I expect you to make good on every word of it. You are more than capable of improving things Ellie, and I expect the best from you, I won’t push you away at any sight of a minor fuck up, but I won’t be coddling you either. If you are feeling like doing something stupid and you can’t stop yourself alone, then come to the gate and talk to me BEFORE, not after.

Oh, and as for this weed farm business I got wind of. (Why you kids think you can keep things from me, I’ll never know...) I can appreciate that this is a viable ready-made trade for outsiders that could support JJ, and on that basis I will conditionally allow it. Some members of my town may wish to trade for a little on occasion too, and I’ve no plans to be a tyrant about that, but I will not tolerate any threats to my community. That includes letting you turn my people into complacent stoners with unlimited access to weed.  
Know that I will shut this thing down completely if I start to see it turn my community into a bunch of shit-faced wasters or my patrollers wandering around too high to do their jobs. This is your one warning on the matter, do not expect any further grace on it.

(And, for the love of God, Ellie, do better for yourself than numbing your own pain the easy way. You’ve got your Uncle Tommy to look at if you need an example of why you should stay the fuck away from any of that bull.)

I’m rooting for you, Ellie, you’re still barely 20, and life can still be as good as the work you put into it.

I will always love you, niece, please make me proud again.

Aunt Maria.

PS I also see that you spared the girl so she could care for a kid that had no part in all this. I think that was the right choice. A choice that would make Joel proud. I’ll always love the Tommy that I married and I prefer that this area stays home for us all, but I figure you should know that if he makes it “you or him,” then I will pick you, Ellie.

—

Dear Maria,

Message received. I will tell any patrol members that they can’t purchase until they are heading home, and will keep quantities sold to them small. I have drawn out the enclosed map for you, with the route I take from Eugene’s place to the wall, the routes I take for hunts, and the hunting hide-outs I wish to use. Let me I know if any of these are problem. I still recall roughly where these intersect with your patrols and will take the greatest of care. I will handle small numbers of infected where possible and drop off word of location, stage and numbers at the gate when I do so. I will report any larger hoard sightings to the gate immediately and will work together with clean up crews if requested.

I also want you to know that I understand the risks and agree that Jackson — the place offers my family, my son especially, a safe and comfortable home — must always come first. Please know I would have no regrets about this decision, even if I do end up being mistaken for infected or a bandit and killed by the patrols.

However, there was an incident in Seattle where Dina came to learn that I am immune. A runner broke my mask, and when Dina offered to share hers with me telling her was the only way to stop her risking her own life. I worry of the pain it would cause her if she were to learn that I had died unnecessarily after being seen to have been bitten. Should this happen, I’d like to ask you to please mitigate this if you can. Infected may not be able to turn me, but they could still bite more blood vessels out my neck than I can afford to live without, so if the worst happens I would appreciate anything you can do so Dina isn’t burdened with the knowledge that I died needlessly.

I know I have some cheek asking this after my own part in nearly dying needlessly in Santa Barbara, but I hope for her sake you can forgive the request.

My first goal in recovery is some weight gain. I still have no leads on how to handle the flashbacks, so I thought I’d start somewhere more practical. I hope I can make you a proud aunt once again.

And as for the rest of your letter, I don’t even know how to say thank you.

Love, Ellie.

—

Dear Dina,

Thank you for your letter, and I shall do exactly as you have suggested. I have also been in contact with Maria to ensure I present no practical difficulties to the community. She is even willing to to overlook the weed farm (Is there anything that Maria doesn’t get to know about?) as long as I ensure “her community doesn’t descend into a bunch of complacent shit-faced stoners.”

I plan to start by studying Eugene’s set up a little more, see if I can reverse engineer an idea of how it all works. Hopefully he has some books or notes lying around here somewhere. I may then take a trading trip to source anything I need to begin farming there again, but I shall let you know should I do so you’ll never again be uncertain about where I am and when I am due to return.

I have enclosed some fur booties for JJ, and wonder if you might keep me updated on his size so I can keep working on items that will fit. I had a bigger catch last week and have enough matching fur to make adult-size items if there is anything you would like for yourself, or anything Jesse’s parents need?

—

Dear Ellie,

The booties fit, thank you, and I’ve enclosed some measurements and baby clothing info that Jesse’s mom put together as per your request. I have no need of anything, but extra blankets never go unused in this house if you are short of a project.

Dina.

—  
Dear Dina,

Thank you again for your letter. I enclose a blanket, a few small toys and some meat. You may have noticed that I tend to keep the fattier cuts for myself, is this okay? I’m trying to gain some weight and think eating those bits might help, but I can figure something else out if you need.

Yours always,

Ellie.

—  
Ellie,

The blanket is nicely made, thank you. Jesse’s parents aren’t getting any younger and have enjoyed having something warmer.

We have no need of the meat you send over in any case (though, of course, it does get eaten and enjoyed) so please do keep working on yourself. As much as anything else, I need you to prove you’re done being a martyr so keep ensuring you take whatever you need before you gift any extras.

Stay safe,

Dina.  
—

3 months and many letters, gifts of meat, furs and little scavenging finds later...

—  
Dear Dina,

The weed farm is going well, and trading for anything you might like should now be viable, so please send me some requests, they don’t need to be essentials. You, JJ and his grandparents deserve as much luxury as I can afford you.

Enclosed is a wooden tractor toy I was able to restore for JJ with some of the tips I picked up from Joel. I hope he likes it.

Yours, Ellie.

—  
Dear Ellie,

JJ is enjoying the toy tractor. The first thing he did was sit a little toy stick man and child on the seat of it: I guess he hasn’t forgotten the joys of sitting there with you while you skived from chores.

I’m not ready yet, but I think in time he would be better off for having some play date visits with you than he would simply getting gifts from an absentee mystery parent. In the meantime, you should work on ensuring you look healthy and uninjured enough not to upset him. I hear you’re looking war wounded and have a new “chemical burn.” I’d rather you got something of Cat’s done to that than see him in the current state I’m told you’re in. Feel free to make arrangements with Maria to enter the wall and trade with Cat without crossing paths with me if you wish.

Stay Safe,  
Dina.  
—

Dear Maria,

How are you? Everything smooth enough in Jackson?

Dina has suggested that she may let me have a play date with JJ! She may have already been in touch with you over this, but she suggested I see if it would be possible to enter Jackson and trade with Cat so I can get my newer scarring covered over rather than have him see the violence I’ve gotten myself into, is this something you would be willing to facilitate?

I’m not sure how much weight I’ve gained, but it’s something, at least. My clothes don’t hang off quite like they used to.

Being based at a bookstore is a Godsend, seems that “self-help” as they called it was a pretty big deal. I’ve been doing a workbook for the last month. Not sure if I feel any better, but I’m no worse, at least.

Love, Ellie.

—  
Dear Ellie,

Getting a tattoo sound smart, but be sure to pick the design wisely. You’re certainly welcome to enter the wall by prior appointment: see what Cat’s willingness and ability is and I’ll coordinate with her.

Glad you have a gained a few pounds, keep it up.

You didn’t hear this from me, but as responsible a working mama as our Dina is, the girl could probably do worse than get to enjoy a little of the relaxation benefits of your operation and not just the trading perks.

Love, Aunt Maria.  
—

Dear Cat,

Long time, no see, but I’m sure you’ve heard that I’m around. I hope you are keeping well.

I know you always suspected that the chemical burn was no accident, and I guess it’s no good denying you were right now that I have another one. I don’t really want to get into why I did it, but figure I can’t avoid acknowledging it since I’m writing to ask if I can arrange to trade you for doing a cover-up piece on it.

I’ve no idea what to suggest for a design, my main motivation for the cover up is to look a little less scary should I get the opportunity to see my son again, which isn’t an inspiring starting point, so for now I thought I’d stick to asking whether you are open to a trade and what you’d be looking for in return my end?

Hope everything is good with you,

Ellie.

—

Hey Ellie,

I’m doing okay, it’s weird to even think of you being out there and alive after all this time and all the suicide missions you went off on. As kids go, I get it, Sadie’s extended family has brought some childcare responsibilities into my life too so I feel you and I’m on board to book you in for a tattoo.

I hear through the grapevine that you’re regularly sporting weed to trade, so that’s what I’d want out of it. I recall your interests quite well, so if you’re still clueless about what you’d want, send me the technical details of where it needs to be and a joint and I’ll send you some ideas back in return.

Cat

—  
[Unsent]  
Dear Cat,

Thanks, here’s the details and your payment for the sketches. ~~I have no idea what to get so just need something done for my son so your offer to make something up would be great.~~

[Yeah, Ellie, great idea to get your ex to pick the tattoo, sure to be popular with Dina. Okay, but what the fuck else am I gonna do? I got nothing...]  
—  
[Unsent]  
Dear Cat,

Thanks, here’s the details and your payment for the sketches. but I’ve got some ideas for you to work now, so if you can just adapt them to work in tattoo format then that’s more than enough in return for the joint. Let’s talk dates once you’ve confirmed that my sketches are something you can make tattoo-able.

Thanks again,

Ellie.

[Okay, so that’s what I should send but I still I got nothing, every idea has negative reminders...]  
—  
Dear Joel,

How did I fuck this up so bad? I either take my scary scarred ass to my son (this time it was not a neat acid burn) or go to my ex for a tattoo. I can’t imagine that Dina was feeling particularly like ever forgiving me when she suggested that, but what choice do I have? How can I reassure my son about my two lost fingers if I look every bit the broken person I don’t want him to be stuck with. I’ve not sent that letter to Cat yet, because I’m still short on ideas but I know getting Cat to pick something would be romantic suicide with Dina. And just because it’s pretty hopeless, doesn’t mean I should stick the knife in.

Should I ask Dina? It’s a risky move but honestly she’s the one who ought to decide my fate, the one who deserves to carve and paint me into whatever she’d want best. What the fuck will I do if she says no? Will I break everything?

—  
[Unsent]  
Dear Dina,

 ~~Will you pick a tattoo for me?~~

(Try again, Ellie.)

~~I want it to be you who marks me, no one else, mark me, paint me into whoever you wish I was.~~

(God, no, worse.)

~~Please take me back. Take me back and I’ll worship at your feet until the day I die.~~

(Yeah, Ellie, really sexy desperate vibe you got going there. Fuck.)  
—  
Dear Dina,

I think a tattoo is great idea for JJ’s sake, and I’ve arranged the trade as you suggested, but honestly I’m fresh out of ideas for what to get. All I really know is that I want it to be something that JJ will like, and something that you won’t need to “grow to like” with as much difficulty as you had with my arm: I figure that will make visits easier. So is it okay to ask if you have any suggestions? I’m down with anything, just totally uninspired myself right now.

I’ve enclosed a little something (with — believe it or not — Maria’s approval) for you to trade with or enjoy for yourself. I imagine Robin would forgive you a low-key night off if you wanted.

Yours,  
Ellie.  
—

Dear Ellie,

Just got your letter, and sure, I could rough sketch some things JJ and I like and send them over to you if that would help. I’ll do that ASAP: He misses you and I’m actually starting to get eager to have this done so he can see you. I think he can recognise your smell on the things you send over, you know.

Stay safe,

D.

—  
Dear Dina,

I’m eager to see him too, and beyond grateful to you for allowing it. In that case, I don’t see that we need to waste any time sending things to me first. I’m happy if you pop them straight over to Cat, she can send me a couple of viable designs using those and that’ll likely shave at least a day or 2 off the wait.

Ellie.

—

Dear Cat,

Dina is hopefully going to be sending you some design ideas, so if you can turn those into a design and get it ready, I’m happy to set it up without seeing the design beforehand. I’ll need to pay you in instalments, as per Maria’s rules, but I’ll make sure you get a good payment overall.

Thanks,

Ellie

PS I might’ve told Dina that I’d be checking over her designs before committing, so please don’t let on to the contrary. I don’t want to freak her out, but truth is I want whatever she wants me to have and so don’t wanna wait a second longer than I have to see my son again.

—

Ellie fucking Williams! 

If I didn’t know that handwriting I wouldn’t have believed it. “Just set it up to tattoo me with something I haven’t even seen?” Alright, Romeo, I’ve set everything up for Monday, you’re all clear to come inside the wall for an appointment at 10am.

Cat

(PS I always liked you guys together, but after this shocker I’m majorly rooting for you two. She’s clearly done some magic on you, girl.)

—  
Dear Dina,

Thanks for helping me pick a design, Cat’s adapted it for the tattoo cover-up and I’m very happy with the idea. She has arranged an appointment for Monday morning, and I’ll be in town all day as we’re planning for a single-sitting finish. Is there anything else I need to fix before you’re happy to arrange a meeting? I imagine by now you’ve heard about my fingers. Do you think he will notice the difference yet and how would you want me to handle it?

Without wishing to pry, I’d like to be prepared to handle it properly if there is someone new in your/his life, so if it’s not too intrusive would you be able to give me a heads-up?

Yours,  
Ellie.

—  
Ellie,

I don’t think JJ will notice your fingers in a traumatic way, he’s still a bit young to do more than just explore what he finds. But if they hurt or it’s dangerous for him to touch them then you’ll need to figure something out to avoid him doing that.

I’m single, Ellie, obviously. And even if I wasn’t, you it really think I’d be letting JJ bond with anyone else after all he’s already been through already?

We can arrange a visit on for 2 weeks on Monday if that’s enough tattoo healing time? But about this visit, Ellie, don’t mess this up and don’t take this lightly. JJ needs stability. He’ll soon be old enough to form permanent memories, and if you are anything less than ready to stick around FOR GOOD then you should cancel it right now because I will not put him through what I’ve been through with you.

So decide carefully, we can wait it out a bit longer if you need more time to get yourself to the right place for a relationship with him, but once you commit again, you best be committed, because whatever slack I might cut you when it came to how your treated me, don’t for one second think I will be the same with JJ.

Dina.

—  
Dear Dina,

I’ll can make any date work, so that Monday is perfect, and I am committed in terms of keeping any plans you permit me to make with JJ, but do you mean I should wait until I am sure I can be alone with him without a flashback?

I have them better controlled now, but I’m not sure when or if I will have them that well-controlled. They’re unpredictable and I’d been assuming you would want contact between JJ and I to be unsupervised anyway, so hadn’t thought to ask for this. Stupid of me, I should’ve said sooner. Is it too late to ask his Grandparents to join us? I don’t do anything dangerous during my flashbacks anyone, but they might still scare him. I failed him as parent so many times before, scaring him so much in the barn, and I don’t want to expose him to my poison like that again. I’d love to see him, to hold him, but I’m still a failed parent who shouldn’t be alone with him. I understand if that’s not good enough.

Yours,

Ellie.

—

Ellie,

It’s not a failure on your part to want to take extra precautions for JJ’s sake. If anything has made me think the two of you having contact is a good idea, it’s seeing things like this where you prepared to put him before your selfishness and pride.

Less of the pity party, though, it’s not helping anyone. JJ’s granddaddy is going to be there when you see him. He understands that you are suffering PTSD and none of us plan to punish you for that. He’d originally been told that how much space to give you two was at his discretion on the day, but I’ve now told him you don’t want too much space just to allay your concerns for JJ and he’s fine with that.

Ellie, you need to get and learn some things. You are accountable for handling your PTSD as best you can. You have a responsibility to JJ to put him first above everything else. But being accountable for how you handle yourself is not the same as being responsible for the fact that you have PTSD in the first place.

Before freaking out that your flashbacks made JJ cry sometimes, did you ever stop to think about all the times when a change of song on the vinyl player did the same? How many times a sudden gust of wind or rain did the same? He was a baby, dude. And now? He’s a toddler, and believe it or not that’s actually worse. He had a tantrum playing peekaboo yesterday. You need to get over yourself and get real about this stuff.

Fair warning, I’ve included a second letter here and it’s about Joel. Time for some tough love, Ellie, you need some perspective.

Dina.

—

“For the first month or two, Joel tried to pretend I wasn’t even a kid, was barely even there at all. I just so badly wanted to prove myself enough to know he didn’t see me as mere burden, but nothing was enough for him. I only ever cried when he wasn’t able to hear me, because I just knew that it would only make things worse if he saw me like that.”

Remember when you said that to me Ellie?

Remember how he yelled at you for saving his life, and only ever gave you an indirect thank you for what you went through to do it before leaving you alone to just hope you could snipe hunters faster than they could kill Joel?

One of the first times we got drunk together, I don’t even know if you remember it, but you sobbed over that robot toy and told me all about Sam and Henry. Then you told me how you dug their graves in silence, and months later still cursed Joel for never letting you talk to him about it even though you tried so many times.

But remember how you still loved each other, how he was still someone of value in your life, how much better it was to have a flawed but caring family in Joel than to have none?

You’re more like Joel than I think he’d wanted for you, Ellie, but maybe that can be blessing in some way now, because weren’t you glad for all he did give you, despite all he didn’t and couldn’t?

He’s no model parent to emulate, Ellie, and I know he’d be the first person to tell you that if he could, but with all he was and is for you, you can’t keep kidding yourself that someone with emotional problems and a shitty past is automatically a negative force in a child’s life.

He loved you, Ellie, and that was enough. So why wouldn’t your love for JJ also be enough?

Your friend always,

Dina.

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (AU note: so the character models look like this time maybe Ellie’s new bite healed normally? But that screwed a section my plot up so I’m just gonna assume that she acid burnt it before realising it would heal normally.) 
> 
> Thanks for reading. I hope you liked it, and constructive feedback is very much welcome. Please note, however, that I have no desire to get involved with any critique or hate on anyone or anything canon here on AO3. If you wanna discuss that stuff, I do that on Reddit r/thelastofus.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is more difficult chapter but does end on a hopeful note. Please see the beginning notes for warnings and details of the option to skip this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a triggering chapter and there’s an option to skip it without losing the story thread by reading the summary of it posted as “chapter 3.” It’s also written by someone who hasn’t had PTSD and may have fucked up the details (though I have endeavoured not to fuck it up). I have other mental health problems and it’s not unknown that I mess up the difference between how PTSD pans out vs how other mental illness involving trauma plays out, so I realise this could be a problem here also. I’m open to constructive feedback on this or any other aspect of the work.
> 
> If you wish to skip this chapter, the next chapter is a vague-as-possible summary of the events of this one, which should fill in the story gaps with minimal triggering content.
> 
> Warnings: (note these warnings kinda contain spoilers for the chapter) PTSD symptoms, abusive behaviour, being disowned by a family member, violence, threats, needing to restrain someone, a traumatic flashback, Joel’s death, Jesse’s death. 
> 
> Note I have aimed to be as non-graphic as possible in handling this, but I felt I couldn’t just ignore the Tommy problem. The fic will eventually lead to a happy ending for Ellie, Dina, JJ, Jesse’s parents and Maria, but I haven’t figured out how it will end for Tommy yet. (On a very personal note, he’s the character I’m most struggling to forgive after the cannon events of the ending. He turned into a bully and somehow I find it easier to forgive murderers than bullies I guess?)

—

Dear Maria,

Jesse’s dad told me Dina has said I can visit again next week! I think Dina already ran it by you, but I really hope this is okay? He’s the coolest little dude there’s ever been, for sure. One day, I’m gonna take him to see the dinosaurs at the museum, and teach him how to roar. He’s got the lungs for it!

Do you think there’s a chance I could get some of Joel’s old woodworking tools please? Do you still have them? I picked a bit of the technique up and I wanna make some things for JJ.

Love, Ellie.

—  
2 weeks later.  
—

Dear Dina,

I’m so sorry that you had to see me inside the wall without prior arrangement. I meant with all my heart to keep that boundary intact out of respect for you and I hope I can reassure you that this is not something I plan to repeat. I imagine you know a bit about what happened already, but I want to give you the option to hear it all from me.

When I first got to Jackson, I worried all the time that Tommy might show up for a confrontation, but I was starting to feel reassured now that it’s been nearly six months. He doesn’t patrol anymore, I guess, which helps. But I asked Maria for some woodworking tools of Joel’s, and I guess that rocked the boat since apparently he’s taken over Joel’s old place.

He showed up drunk, yelling and swearing. He talked about Sarah. Said it made him sick that Joel kept my picture next to hers. He disowned me, ~~he said that I was...~~ Well, he said some stuff. I just froze. But then he started to get aggressive. ~~He tried to.~~ It doesn’t matter, the point is I had to injure him a bit to subdue him. And then I didn’t know what to do. I restrained him, but I couldn’t keep him tied up forever, and I didn’t want him in my home for even a second.

I’ve made a makeshift stretcher for a horse once before. I tried to remember it positively, because that time I saved Joel, but it also reminded me how scared I was about whether or not he’d make it. I had to keep Tommy tied down, he just kept yelling the whole way as I rode his horse back to the wall. I tried to hold it together once I got there, but I couldn’t front well enough. They were worried and insisted I wait for Maria. Maybe I should’ve left at that point because I knew I was barely holding together, but I didn’t want to disrespect Maria or risk anything by not explaining myself.

Tommy was still in sight when Maria tried to hug me. Tommy had blood in his face, he was on his side, he looked so much like Joel. Maria’s hands caught my back and I thought I was being held down.

Maria tells me that unfortunately they did end up holding me down. They thought I was threatening to kill Tommy. Then they heard me scream at Joel to get up, and they let go. I think it was too late for me to tell the difference, because I still felt hands weighing down on me, and afterward it was like it had all only just happened.

She had Tommy taken home, and wouldn’t hear a thing of me going home myself. Wanted me seen by a medic. I guess I did have some minor injuries but if I’m honest I also wanted to stay a while, to not to be alone after all that. I stayed the night at Maria’s afterward. I was in a very bad place and there was conflict between my promise to stay away and my promise not to be reckless with my safety or recovery that I had to wrestle with there.

As much as I love and care about you, I realised that of those two conflicting promises, the one that most affects JJ was the one around keeping myself safe and in recovery, and I chose on that basis to stay. I want to be totally honest with you and unfortunately that means that I can’t in good faith say that I regret staying the night, I have to stand by my choice to do what I felt was best for JJ. That doesn’t mean that I don’t wish things were different, that there could have been another way, but ultimately all I can say regarding that decision is that I genuinely wish for your sake that there had been a better option.

Where I did fuck up, and I am  
sorry, was what happened the next morning. When I woke up, Maria had left a note that she was going to be out and busy with town matters all day. Her house had plenty of food and books, and I should have waited it out until she was able to escort me out without the risk of disturbing you.

But I was feeling restless and I was afraid to get settled in Jackson when it’s not my home anymore. I let that override me, and I made the stupid and reckless decision to take my chances that I could make it to the gate without bumping into you. Of course you know that I did see you, disturbed your life despite my promise not to. I’m sorry.

That was exactly the type of reckless decision that I have been trying to stop making, and I realise it shows I still have more work to do. I’m keeping at it with the therapy workbooks, and I guess I need to double down on them. I hope that knowing the circumstances will make you feel more secure that it isn’t something that is likely to recur.

Of course, it’s entirely up to you if this changes anything around your view of letting me visit JJ, so all I can say is that I continue to want to see him as much as you are comfortable with, I’ll continue to make my schedule around your needs, and I’ll respect whatever you want to do, no arguments.

Yours, Ellie.

—  
Dear Jesse,

I wish you were here to help me make the right choices in raising our son. I know our passion was long over but our family bond and our love transcended that. You’d have been the best co-parent a kid could want and you’d’ve always known what to do, but I don’t.

Ellie is obviously trying hard and my instinct on reading that letter was just total forgiveness. But is that me letting her off the hook because I still love her? Making a decision based on my own desires when I should be thinking of our son?

You’d know what to do, and I’m trying to imagine what you’d make of this...

—  
Dear Dina,

I found your letter to Jesse. I didn’t mean to intrude but with where you left it on the coffee table I didn’t realise what it was until it was too late.

You need to know that you are doing right by my son. You make sacrifices everyday for JJ, and it’s so clear that you always think hard about how to put him first. I don’t think that you don’t need to worry yourself that your instincts will lead you or JJ astray.

Jesse would want you to be happy. I am so proud of what a loyal, compassionate and forgiving young man we raised, and I take so much comfort from the fact that he knew you were pregnant before he passed. My Jesse died knowing he had a legacy and that his child was in the safest hands in the world. He’d trust your gut, and just remind you to be smart about it. Should you wish to just accept Ellie’s apology and continue on, I’m sure you’d have his blessing on it. You certainly have mine.

Love, Robin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading! Constructive feedback is always welcome and I hope you are enjoying the fic. I don’t have an updates schedule but plan to keep writing us towards a happy ending.
> 
> And just a reminder that the “chapter 3” that’s one here isn’t the third chapter, but more chapters will come soon.


	3. Summary of Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not a real chapter! This chapter is simply a summary of chapter 2 for those wanting or needing to avoid the potential triggers during chapter 2.

Chapter 2 summary: Ellie’s visit with JJ went well, and Dina —via JJ’s grandpa — offered Ellie weekly visits with him. Excited after the successful visit with JJ, Ellie writes to Maria asking if she can have some of Joel’s woodworking tools so she work on some toys for him. Unfortunately, Tommy is living at Joel’s old place and Maria’s attempt to get the tools for Ellie presumably rocks the boat somehow. Tommy takes his horse and goes to Ellie’s place. It’s their first time seeing each other since he came to farmhouse before Santa Barbara. He says some really vile things to Ellie before getting aggressive. She subdues him in a way that only causes him some minor injuries and then returns him to Jackson using his horse to carry them both. The circumstances at the gate trigger Ellie to have a severe and very unsettling flashback. Ellie then stays the night with Maria. 

In the morning, Maria has left a note for Ellie that she is out with town work and won’t be bad until the evening. Ellie decides to chance leaving Maria’s place so she can head home, hoping she won’t bump into Dina. Unfortunately, she does see Dina and Dina sees her. It’s from enough of a distance that they don’t talk or anything, but Ellie then regrets taking this risk since she promised Dina she wouldn’t just be around in Jackson like that.

Ellie writes an apology to Dina. Ellie’s apology (at least this was my intention) is candid, avoids self-pity and shows a lot of growth in understanding what she can and should take responsibility for. 

Dina feels inclined to forgive Ellie immediately on reading her letter, but worries this could be her putting her love for Ellie over JJ’s best interests. Dina then writes a short letter to Jesse expressing her conflicting feelings about the situation, and wishing she knew what he’d want her to do about it. 

Dina, for whatever accidental reason, leaves this letter very prominently on the coffee table in the home she shares with Jesse’s parents. Robin notices a letter to a Jesse, something it would generally be okay for to read since he’s passed and so his family would naturally be the ones to handle stuff like this, and so reads it without any intention to invade Dina’s privacy or anything.

Robin decides to write to Dina, explaining that reading the letter was an accident but wanting to reassure her. Robin tells Dina that she’s doing a good job with JJ, that Jesse would trust her judgement and that she should feel free to forgive Ellie if that’s what she wants to do: JJ’s grandparents have no concerns that Dina would be putting JJ in harm’s way if she did so. 

I hope that summary covered everything and helped anyone who might’ve found the details of Chapter 2 a little too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading! Constructive feedback is always welcome and I hope you are enjoying the fic. I don’t have an updates schedule but plan to keep writing us towards a happy ending.


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this one has come out okay, I’ve been a little tired and this chapter has been a little tricky to write up, but wanna make sure I keep at it with this, so hopefully it’s come out alright and you enjoy it. Constructive feedback is always welcome.
> 
> FYI Since first posting, a missing PS to Dina’s letter to Ellie has been added, because this was accidentally left off during the copy/paste.

Dear Ellie,

That whole experience must have been absolutely awful and honestly I’m just fucking livid with Tommy. Sending repeated wrecking balls through JJ’s life might only be a side effect of his actions, rather than his intention, but it’s starting to feel like it he might as well be targeting our son directly.

I get why you had a lapse in judgement after all that, I appreciate and accept you apologising for it. It’s starting to feel like you’ve come a long way, El, and I’m glad. My views on you visiting JJ haven’t changed one bit. The practicalities have, though, we’ll need to talk to Maria and figure something out to be sure that Tommy doesn’t start anything around JJ. I’m going to write to him as well, I doubt I can talk sense into him, but I’m going to try. More to the point, he needs to know that I won’t hesitate to defend JJ — or you — by force if I have to.

Try to stay strong and keep at whatever you’re doing. Oh, and something to cheer you up: I caught a certain little boy with a load of ink on his hand yesterday: it was pretty much a mess, but there was a passing resemblance to a tattoo that I guess he liked. He clearly had lots of fun with you. I’ll make sure you know as soon as Maria and I have a plan for your next visit.

See you soon,

Dina.

PS: Maybe it’s time we talk about what actually went down in Santa Barbara?

—

Dear Maria,

I’m sorry to have to make your ex-husband a current headache for you, but I’m really concerned for JJ. It’s good for him — and, between you and me, I think it’s good for her too — to see Ellie, but I’m worried Tommy could show up to harass Ellie when she visits. Can we get together and figure something out please? Ellie has said she’ll make anytime work for visits so at least we have that flexibility on our side. I really don’t want to stop delay having her visit again.

Dina.

—

Tommy,

Your actions are putting JJ at risk. JJ is practically Joel’s grandchild and once upon a time he was also supposed to be your great nephew. You are NOT honouring Joel by fucking things up for  his family. (I gather we are no longer considered  your family, but you’ve no right to speak for Joel, you are only isolating yourself.)

I still pray that you will get past this, that you can return to being the great man that helped Jackson flourish. You were once a hero, Tommy, doing what you thought would benefit the wider world. You had something to be proud of. Fight for that, instead of fighting what should be your family. There’s no shortage of folks around here that will help you out.

But be warned, Tommy, that I will stop at nothing to protect my family. Ellie will be making regular visits to my home from now on to spend time with JJ. Do not bother them. Do not bother her. Do not jeopardise anything for my son. If I have to get thrown out of Jackson for shooting your drunk, angry, violent ass away from my boy, then I will. Stay the fuck away, and one last time, get some fucking help, dude, before you lose everything that ever made you who you were.

Dina.

—

Dear Dina,

I’m okay with telling you all about SB, but I guess I should warn you that I can’t tell you it was a total mistake. I still feel conflicted about it. And actually I feel like some real good came of my actions for the first time in a long time, maybe ever. It was a dumb accident, a side-effect but it’s something I try to hold onto with all I’ve gotten wrong. I regret leaving you and JJ and I hate the way I left, but I’m also glad for much of what happened out there. I’m sure that sounds shitty, and the selfish part of me wants to lie about it, in the hope that telling you I straight regret it might give me more of a chance with you, but I owe you the truth. 

I nearly got captured in SB, was caught in a leg snare overnight and everything, by the sickest fucks I think I’ve ever seen. These guys had like full-on slaves, they infected people deliberately for fun and then chained them up and baited them. People who tried to escape, oh Jesus, it was bad. That was where I found Abby and that boy from the theatre. I was so shocked when I saw her, I just cut her down from this pillar in the burning sun. She was half-dead and so was the boy. He wasn’t even awake, she cut him down and carried him. She helped me find a boat. It was surreal. I was just going to leave, then I had a flashback. I tried to kill her.  I said.  I’m not proud of this, but I threatened the boy to make her fight me. I had her all but drowned, but then for once in my life I had a good flashback. To Joel, that last night. He said he thought you’d be lucky to have me, I guess he had his rose-tinted glasses on, hey? But we also talked about, about other stuff, stuff I hope it’s okay to keep between Joel and I for now? But just stuff that got me to think twice and see the situation for what it was. I’m a killer, D, I know that, but this was a new line and I didn’t want to cross it.

Before I got to her, I must have killed about 30 of the slavery fuckers, I cleaned out every one of them I saw, anyway, and their slaves got out because of it. They took these fucking Rattler dude’s guns and I saw their whole base going down in flames. That’s what I mean, that some real good came of something I did, for once. Yeah, it was still me killing people, but at least was actually some fucked up dudes and the guys they were working to death got to live instead. They had these people locked down in this basement, Jesus the fucking smell down there. It was hell. Can’t believe I found anyone more psycho than Seattle, but fuck me did these top that. A guy shot himself in the head just to stop them recapturing him. I guess I did always want to be a hero or something, so it was nice to feel like I actually helped some people. I just hope they don’t all turn out to be sick fuckers too now they’re free.

And, well, this is rough but I actually think that Abby would’ve died if I didn’t go there. Abby and that fucking kid. I think that was part of it, actually, the kid. A hundred times, easy, I could’ve been that random kid who lost the adult actually looking out for them. I’m glad he didn’t die like that, under that sun.

She’d suffered, Dina, suffered so badly. Those insane muscles were all gone, they cut her hair, this Rattler dick said her and the kid had been there for months. And seeing her suffer, it was empty. It was hollow. It didn’t make Joel suffer any less. It was just bleak. Just one more piece of bleakness and misery in this shitty world. It didn’t help, except to make me realise that none of this shit would help. Nothing changes the past.

Tommy knows I spared her, but he doesn’t know that she’s actually only alive because I saved her. I think he’d straight murder me if he did. And I get it, I do. I know how I was about her myself and how impossible it is to explain. I know that it made a mockery of our mission and of losing Jesse and Tommy’s injury, but killing her just seemed futile, pathetic even.

I’m sorry.

~~Love~~ ,  Shit, sorry, shit, I lost myself there. Forget I said that.

Yours, Ellie

PS: It was Abby who bit my fingers off, but it was my fault really. She just wanted to leave.

—

Dear Ellie,

Jesus Christ, El, that’s some fucking heavy shit, even by your standards. I’m still hurt that you left and I need to process all that because that’s, it’s a lot. I’m not more mad for the fact you were honest about it, I do know that. A hard truth is better than a festering secret, I guess.

Jesse came to Seattle to help a friend, the fact that you were there to kill Abby wasn’t the point. He came out of friendship and love, not bloodlust, as did I. You saved the life of refugee kid, the same thing that he lived for on patrols. He was a proud Jackson guy because that’s what we stand for. You didn’t dishonour his death by saving a kid, nor the adult who just wanted to protect him. 

As for Tommy, the old him would’ve gotten it. Him now, I don’t know. He’s fixated, I think. And sorry for himself. You taught me the hard way that you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped, so let me pass that lesson onto you: he will either make a good decision for himself or we have to just write him off. At least it’s only one of you in the write-off pile now, though.

I’m seeing Maria tomorrow, and we’ll figure out how you can visit.

See you soon,

Dina

—

Dear Ellie,

I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you again after the incident the other night, but I can appreciate the desire to be back home after all that stress. Just, let an auntie know you’re okay, please? I know I have a tough reputation but I do still worry for you.

Tuesday at noon, I’ll be watching Tommy personally, so you’ll be free and safe to visit JJ. Not sure what we’ll do long-term, but at least we have a starting point. Shame I can’t see the two of you together, another time, I hope.

Love, Maria.

PS: I see JJ keeps trying to copy your tattoo. It was a good choice of artwork. And only you would decide to tell him that an dinosaur ate your fingers. That did make me laugh. Has anyone ever told you that you’ve got all right hobbies and more than enough dad jokes to make a great parent? You could be his superhero if you only commit to it.

—

Dear Joel,

I’m full of fucking shit, and I fucking know it. Ugh. I’m trying to do everything for the right reasons, but truth is I want her back. I want her back and half of my drive to keep at all this shit is really all about being good enough for her. She wouldn’t be lucky to have me. It’s nice that you thought that, or maybe it was true once, I don’t know, but now, I’d be lucky to have her. I love my son, but even that all traces back her, he’s only my son because of her, because we were together, because she’s warm and generous and she’s family.

Why the fuck can’t I just move on? My life isn’t exactly a fucking romance novel, and I should know better than to wish it was. Ugh.

Ha, as if I’d ever have said this to you when I could...I wish I had. I wish things had moved forward before you were gone. You know I used to be so scared for you to find out about Cat? I miss having you around, even if I did more sulking and avoiding than I did talking. That night, I was going to ask you around for a movie. Hard to believe I know,  ~~but you can ask Dina, I even told her about.~~ [That was a pretty fucking dumb thing to write, Ellie. Ugh.]

Goodnight, old man.

Ellie x

—

Evening Dina,

Hope work was okay. JJ is exhausted, so he’s already asleep. I’ve gone to bed early too so that I can handle it if he has an early start after his early night, I don’t want you getting short on sleep when you’ve got a long day at work again tomorrow. 

He had so much fun with Ellie. She seemed a lot better. I think she still had her moments. There was a look of terror in her eyes when I went to the bathroom, I think she’s scared she’s not safe to be alone with him.

Oh, and I can’t help but think it’s lovely that she‘s stuck with having converted, even after everything she’s done. It would be okay if you wanted to forgive her, to just be happy, if that’s what you want. Perhaps I’m reading it wrong, but I sense that you still love her. Regardless, you have my full support with whatever you wish to do.

Sleep well, dear.

Love, Robin.

—

Morning Robin, 

Glad to hear it all went well. I don’t know what to make of things with Ellie for now, so I’m just staying focused on things with her and JJ for now. What did you mean about how converting? What to?

Love, Dina.

—

Dina, 

Oh, my mistake, I just assumed she’d converted for your sake, to Judaism, I mean. It was only that I heard her say a little prayer in Hebrew as I was walking back from the bathroom. I guess she must have learnt it somewhere else. 

Love, Robin

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed and I’ll post some more soon.


	5. Chapter 4

Dear Talia,

You’ll be proud, sis, my (if I’m honest about it) love interest seems to have taken to praying in Hebrew. I don’t know what to make of it, honestly, (where did that come from? Maybe Robin misheard her? Unlikely though, sharp ears...) but I knew you’d like it. Maybe she’ll be the “good influence” on me that you always wanted, Tal. Not that I can ever quite picture her dragging me to the Synagogue the way you did...

I miss you.

Love, Dina xx

—

Dearest Ellie,

I hope you are keeping well, seeing you is always a joy for us and for JJ. I thought I ought to write to let you know, because I fear I might have let slip something I didn’t realise might be a secret. I heard you speaking in Hebrew and I mentioned it to Dina. I assumed it had been her that helped you convert, and I thought she’d like to know that you were keeping it up, maybe even win you some brownie points. But I now gather she was unaware of anything about it, and I do hope I haven’t intruded.

I look forward to seeing you here again next week.

Love, Robin.

—  
[Unsent]  
Dear Ellie,

I’m just curious. A while back you sent me that extra large food parcel with all those goodies, did you have a bumper trading week or something?

Stay safe, Dina.

[A bit too obvious what you’re really asking, D, but without the honestly. Either ask whether she intentionally sent you extras for Passover or don’t. She’s trying so hard to be honest and you can’t manage to ask her if she might’ve paid attention to one of your most famous holidays?!]

—

  * Still need carving tools, damn it.
  * 4 even wheels (an old shopping cart would work unless I happen upon a stroller)
  * Soy beans (Potential trade with Jackson? Need to scrounge something up that isn’t weed for that. Or trade one of the residents some weed for something the town would want.)
  * Something to use for glue.
  * More barbed wire type stuff, can’t be too careful living outside the wall. [Ha, when did I get so soft?!]
  * A new journal. Old one has too few pages and too many bad memories.
  * ~~My family back~~



—  
Dina,

I mean no harm to your kid. Not his fault Ellie’s a damn coward. I’ll stay away when he’s around. And I never disowned you or JJ, just her.

Tommy  
—

Tommy,

1\. Ellie and I might have our problems, but our family is still a family and we are an all-or-nothing package. You’ll have nothing to do with being a great uncle to JJ if you can’t even manage to be a mediocre uncle to Ellie.  
2\. Ellie isn’t a coward. That’s probably the last insult that could make any sense for her. Not her fault you’ve lost all of your compassion.  
3\. Whether she is with JJ or not, if she is inside the wall, she’s here for him, and harassing Ellie before or after she visits JJ is still going to cause problems for him, so stay the fuck away.  
4\. What the fuck happened to you, man? And don’t tell me it was “two gunshot wounds” like that’s a reason to change into having the personality of a dick.  
5\. Whatever the fuck happened to you, please change, please try, before it’s too late. You could have a family again, love again, purpose again. Please be smart about this.

Regards, Dina

—  
Dear Jesse,

Today I told someone to “be smart about it,” (it just came out) and of course I thought of you. You’d be so proud of our boy. From the outset I could see the three of us — you, me and Ellie — all in it together, cooperating in a parenting dream team, and yet somehow right now it’s only me and your parents. How did I go from 2 co-parents or zero? (You know I love your folks to death, and of course I want for nothing with your mum on the scene, but it’s not the same as having another parent around, you know?)

You were too good a friend for me to not ask you this just because you’re also my ex, so please tell me what the hell I should do about Ellie... Should I make a move somehow? What would I even do, ask her on a date? That seems bizarre. And “make a move”? Are we 12? This is hardly some low-stakes snog in the park.

Her PTSD, I’ve never thought it was a much of threat as she did. But maybe she was right after all, she left, didn’t she, what bigger threat is there to a baby than abandonment?

Fuck her for leaving, Jesse. She broke my fucking heart. I still had losing you, having a baby who wouldn’t ever know his amazing father, to deal with. I guess I cope better than her but does she think I’m just made of stone? Or maybe I should say “did,” she seems different now, at least.

I’m so wrapped up in JJ and her physical safety after everything that I think I just ignored how angry I am. I want to tell her, but I worry it could be a trigger for her. And right now, those self-hate spirals are dangerous. It’s not just self-pity or manipulation, if anything she used to hide how little she ate when things got rough...I know what you’d tell me to do, smartass, what what actually is the smart move here?

I miss you everyday.

Love, Dina xxx

PS: I think I got it, hopefully this is smart.

—  
Dear Ellie,

At some point I need to let you know how I feel, what you leaving was like for me, and just let out all that stuff. It’s an important step for us that needs to happen at some stage, but I don’t want to do it at a cost to your stability or when it could put you in bad place when our focus needs to be on JJ. So I need you to let me know when you’re ready, and I need you to be really honest with yourself about that, really careful and really sure that it is something you can manage. Don’t focus on any ideas you have about what you owe me, because most of all you owe JJ, so make sure you wait until you can handle it.

But let me know when you do, because I need to have this out with you eventually.

Stay safe,

Dina.

—  
Dear Dina,

I understand what you mean. Would you want to write or would you want to talk it through? If you are planning to write to me, I wondered whether I could visit Maria, and be there when I read it just from some extra security all around. She already gave me some pretty blunt opinions about my behaviour towards you, all of which I deserved, but she also has that knack of getting me to focus on the future instead of wallowing.

I have something else to discuss, but I think I want to keep these things in two separate letters, so there’s another one with this one.

Thank you for staying in contact with me, and for being honest and real like this with me.

Best Wishes, Ellie.

—

Dear Dina,

I got a sweet but embarrassing letter from Robin the other day. I guess he heard me praying. And, shit, where do I start? I hope I didn’t piss you off, you know I don’t really believe or anything. (I always wished I did, but that’s another story.) I just, I wasn’t trying to be a dick. I missed you when I left, I know I had no right to, since I was the one at fault there, but I still missed you.

In Seattle, wearing your bracelet meant so much to me when I was out there alone, even though I never admitted it. Travelling to Santa Barbara, when I didn’t have your bracelet anymore, and I missed that connection. I missed the feeling that even though I didn’t believe in luck, you did and somehow some of that belief transferred to me. Then I thought of you in Synagogue and how it kinda felt nice that you had said prayers for our trip. I never told you this, but I found it comforting when you told me you prayed. Even though you said you didn’t necessarily believe it all, it still felt nice.

So I kinda took an interest on my journey to Santa Barbara, and I started to look out for a book. I guess I hoped that maybe it would make me a better parent to JJ if ever I made it home, you know, more able to honour that part of his heritage or something. I guess that’s dumb, he has a Jewish mother already so me knowing some odds and ends was hardly going to make a difference. Especially since I’m sure there’s aliens who speak better Hebrew than I manage to. I found a thing that said what the Hebrew letters are supposed to sound like, and I strung things together from there.

Anyhow, I learned some of my butchered Hebrew (I’m sure I say it all wrong) by heart, because I saying it did make me feel closer to you. Well, I guess that should be “makes” me feel closer to you, because I haven’t totally stopped since I got back, which I guess you know from Robin.

At your house the other day, I couldn’t exactly refuse when Robin needed to go to the bathroom, but I was scared to be alone with JJ, scared I would screw him up, and it was just my instinct to think of how, I started breathing like you taught me then I said a couple of the prayers that reminded me of you.

God, I hope I don’t sound like a total dick or an idiot. Hard not to, since I’m still working my through a book called Judaism for Dummies. But I didn’t mean to do anything wrong. If it helps any, I may well die of embarrassment over all this.

And I hope I maybe put it some good use, the things I learnt, because at least I knew when to make an effort with some extra food for you, even if I didn’t quite have the guts to admit I’d been planning for Passover. I hope it was the right sort of stuff to celebrate with. I wasn’t sure what all of the rules meant, but I think I avoided the stuff you aren’t allowed for it, hopefully.

Yours, Ellie.

—  
Dear Talia,

You’d be delighted:  
1\. She was praying in Hebrew.  
2\. It was because of me.  
3\. She planned things out so she could send me extra food to celebrate Pesach with.  
4\. She was all worried about whether she sent the wrong stuff for Pesach (she didn’t).  
5\. All of this stuff made me feel warm inside, made me feel loved.  
6\. I said some prayers of thanks after I read her letter.

It’s nice to think of how happy you’d be, for once, instead of just missing you.

Love, Dina xx  
—  
Dear Ellie,

I’ll write you, that seems to be working well so far. Going to Maria’s is a nice suggestion, it’ll help me not to worry about you. Let me know when you’re ready.

You’re not a dick for praying, dude! All that stuff was kinda cute, actually. And the Passover food was totally kosher (and delicious) so don’t worry. Talia would approve of your efforts.

Be careful out there, El.

Dina x

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to do some research and stick basic enough that I hopefully didn’t screw anything up, but sorry and do feel free to correct me if I did. (And yes, I did genuinely read some of, among other sources, Judaism for Dummies.) I’m not thinking Ellie would ever be a total believer, but I felt there was a low-key strong connection between way back when she told Sam “she’d like to believe” and when she asked Dina in the Synagogue if she still prayed. Hope you enjoyed.


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that this warnings have been upgraded to include VERY strong language due to the content of this chapter.

Will the nightmares ever fucking stop? I can go for weeks without one now, but it almost makes it crueller, because just when I start to think they’re over, one comes back.

~~Maybe if I win her back, it’ll be okay? I used to keep her up more nights than she slept, at least now it would only be once in while.It was a little easier when she held me.~~

Don’t think about that, Ellie. What was that shit you read, radical fucking acceptance? Acceptance + change. I am good enough already AND I can work to be better. Am I good enough? I’m a selfish cunt, a deadbeat parent, a vial of poison. This ain’t helping, what was the other thing?

Ugh, the here and now, that shit. Okay here and now: just outside Jackson. Late May, 3am. Who am I now here and now? 

Doing becoming being, doing becoming being:  
A (weed) farmer (improvement on farming nothing at all, I guess? Sure I’m everything her mother dreamed of...not to mention mine. I wish I knew enough about her to even to know what “make me proud” would mean.)  
A ~~scavenger~~ forager, sounds better. I hunt too, enough for my own meat and some for my family.   
Provider?!  
I cleared 10 infected last week, is there a name for that?   
~~Fungus cleaner Fungal person killer~~ Fungus Fighter [Sounds like a shitty superhero]  
~~Trader, drug dealer,~~ trader  
Part-timer parent, maybe.

I trade, I hunt, I provide what I can.   
~~I’d have killed to have someone doing that stuff for me when I was a kid.~~ Irrelevant. He is pure and I have always been poison. Ugh, evidence for the self-hate? Well yeah, check out the bodies:   
Mom  
Riley  
Tess   
Sam  
Henry  
Marlene  
Joel  
Jesse  
That fucking baby in Seattle, why didn’t she fucking tell me she was pregnant?

Analyse logically:  
Mom: ??  
Riley: died because she came to see me  
Tess: died while escorting me  
Sam: died with me  
Henry: suicide right in front of me, didn’t stop him   
Marlene: killed for me  
Joel: killed because he saved me   
Jesse: killed looking out for me  
Baby: killed by me

Alternative POV???

Riley: Her idea to go to the mall, I guess, she still got bit coz of me. Did I ever tell Dina about her? Maybe I should...  
Tess: Was a smuggler, I was a job, I could’ve been just some illegal shit or something when it happened. “Our luck has to run out sooner or later.”  
Sam: I looked out for him as best I could. I just wish I had said something better.  
Henry: What could I have done to stop him? Would I do anything different to him if JJ got infected?  
Marlene: I didn’t ask Joel to kill her  
Joel: He chose for save me, his actions were his own.   
Jesse: ~~Should have been home already. I should have made him and Dina leave.~~ She wouldn’t leave, he chose to come. He was a good friend.   
Baby: Well, shit, I don’t think this therapy was designed for actual ~~murderers~~ killers who actually killed a pregnant woman. It wasn’t the same world, I guess. It was a mistake. Then, mistakes meant like, I don’t know, but some kind of dumb shit anyway, now it can mean misjudging who is a threat that needs to die. Like those dudes who thought I was Wolf trying to take them back. [That fucking note, they meant Jackson, didn’t they? Doesn’t matter, stay focused.]

Examine biases:  
Are my earlier statements biased?

Statement: selfish cunt  
Loaded language? Yes  
Precise and measurable? Selfish: yes, Cunt: no   
Constructive? Not hugely  
[I hate this shit.]  
Evidence For: Left family   
Evidence Against: Doing these dumb exercises all the time, aren’t I? Am trying to put them first and do what is best for them.

Statement: deadbeat parent  
Loaded language? Yes  
Precise and measurable? Deadbeat: Debatable, Parent: Yes  
Constructive? No  
Evidence For: As before: Left family   
Evidence Against: As before. Am trying.

Statement: vial of poison  
Loaded language? Yes  
Precise and measurable? No  
Constructive? No  
Evidence For: Everyone dies  
Evidence Against: Have limbs, brain and other features not present in a literal vial of poison, I didn’t want them to die. 

~~I am a dick.~~ I think I am a dick.

Impact of biases:

“Inclination towards destructive self-blaming attitudes” [How can something be so obviously true and also so much bullshit at the same time?]

My POV or alt POV?

Okay, fine, it’s at least a draw. “My negative self view is not supported by evidence.” Where was I?

Am I okay right now?   
Haven’t killed any non-fungal people lately.  
My son laughed a lot when we hung out.   
I provide at least a little bit for him.  
I’m trying my best.

Okay, here and now, I am acceptable. Barely. But it still counts. (That’s what Joel would say .)

“I can accept things in this moment AND I can still change for the better.” [Stupid dumb quote, one is hard enough, but I gotta do both. Who wrote this shit?]

I used to have nightmares every night, if I could cope with that, I can cope with having one tonight.

[I might be getting better at this stuff?!] 

—

There was a kiss at the end of her letter.  
She called me El again...

Last night I dream of her. She held me close again, touched me again. I haven’t been touched like that since I left. I hope that wasn’t the last time I’ll be touched like that... I hope I have more dreams like that, and not the ones where she bleeds into my nightmares. 

—

Dina,

I’ve told you I’ll keep out of your shit, and I won’t cause your kid any shit, kindly stay the fuck out of mine. I don’t want or need any help from you or anyone else. 

Tommy

—  
[Unsent]  
Dear Ellie,

I’ve been in contact with Tommy, trying to reason with him, and I’m getting nowhere. I’m at a loss for what to do. I don’t want him in the way of our options, and we can’t keep him under guard for the rest of his life. I have one idea, but it’s a total Hail Mary and it’s your call. Can I talk to him about what happened in Santa Barbara? The whole story, the slavery, the kid, the crucifixion, even that you saved her? It’s a huge risk, I know, and you’d have to be ready to defend yourself. We’d need a safety plan, to tell Maria, maybe even have you inside the wall to control the situation. 

I’m not even sure myself if it’s a good idea, El, but it’s a non-starter unless you’re on board, so I thought I’d see what you think.

He needs a wake-up call, and maybe that whole horror could be it...

Or maybe it would just confirm whether or not it’s too late. At some point, he’ll either have to change or it’ll have to be him or you. Maria has told me she’d ready to make the hard choice if she has to. Our options are pretty limited because I don’t think I could move JJ away from his grandparents again now, and I don’t think they’d be able to join us if we all lived outside the wall. Not to mention that Tommy could still be a threat if we did.

What is it all about El? What is the point? Sure, if Talia’s killers turned up, I’d have them, but they never mattered more to me than staying alive, than the future. Why was Abby more important to you? Why is she is more important to Tommy now? What’s the good of it? All I see is far more broken than it was when she first

[Not the moment for this. Stay on track. Is this such a good idea? What other choices do I have? ~~Shame just offing him would wreck my moral high ground...~~ I hate what he did to Ellie. It was her choice, but she was vulnerable, too. You don’t go around telling alcoholics where the you hid the booze, now do you?

Maybe I should start with Maria. She knows him best.]

—  
Dear Ellie,

I’m wondering how much of the detail of Santa Barbara Maria knows and whether I can talk to her about it? It’s to do with Tommy. I told him to back the fuck off from my family and the best he’s done is said he’ll only attack you before or after your visit our son, as if that’s supposed to be anything like good enough. I’m scared that you’re not safe and after a few letters back and forth I’m losing hope that we’ve got much by way of options here. Except for something that, well, it’d be a Hail Mary, and I’d wanna start by talking to Maria, getting her take, but it’s really your call, because it’d be telling him the full story of Santa Barbara and I’m not even sure if you’d consider that.

I know I probably sound crazy right now, and I know it’d be complicated and we’d probably have to bring you inside the wall to keep you safe, and I don’t know if you want that or could cope with that, but please at least hear me out here.

I... didn’t really think humanity could still shock me. I don’t know what I expected the Santa Barbara story to be... but it for sure wasn’t... that. I mean, you found her crucified, with a fucking kid? That’s a whole new level of bleak. It might just be enough to shock the unshockable, to bring back our Tommy. A few years back, he was a guy who would see why you’d let a kid who had been tortured like that, who wouldn’t survive alone, have his chance to survive even if that meant letting someone like Abby go. I don’t know if that guy is still in there or not, but I think it’s our best chance well, by virtue of being our only chance really) of bringing him back (if that’s possible.)

Another part of me has a really bad feeling about this, but that’s why I wondered about seeing what Maria thought of the idea. She knows him best after all. You know him better than me, though, and it’s your story so it’s your choice.

I think this letter is a bit panicked and all over the place, but as it’s my second go at writing you about this, I’m hoping it’ll be okay. I’m only wanting to test the waters with Maria, and then we’d talk more. I’m just worried and I need you safe.

Hope you’ve been keeping well, 

Dina x

—  
Dear Dina,

 ~~I’m~~ It really means a lot to me that you care for my safety. I hope that means I’ve been doing a decent job with JJ? I’m trying to work on a gift for him in my spare time.

You’re the only person that knows the full story of Santa Barbara, but I’m not against Maria knowing about it. I’m worried about things with Tommy. I’m scared that if it came to him or me, I’d never recover from the memory of it. He wouldn’t go that far, would he? But I see no harm in weighing the option with Maria, so long as I can still think it over myself.

And I’d like to read that letter, hear the things you want need want or need to say to me, when you’re ready. Maybe once it’s done you could leave it at Maria’s and let me know, and I’ll arrange things with her. I should tell you that I might find it hard, but that should not stop you from whatever you feel or want to say to me. You don’t need to hold back for my sake. I can’t swear to you that I’ll never again go crazy into a spiral of negativity and self-hate, because I’m not stable enough to say never, but I can swear that I will not go down into a spiral from reading your letter. I know that if I don’t manage to cope with this, it’ll make it hard for you to trust me with your feelings again, and I don’t want that. I want you to feel safe with being honest with me, so I am going over ways to focus on that goal and not let my feelings spiral too much from what you have to say, whatever it is. (Damn it, I sound like a therapy book, don’t I? This stuff is weird and annoying but it helps too.)

Ellie 

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s not an exact quote, but if you’re also wondering “Who wrote this crap?” (the acceptance + change stuff) The answer is Marsha Linehan, this really awesome psychiatrist who actually had BPD herself and actively sought to develop therapies that worked for the most “difficult” patients she could find. The techniques I’ve drawn on in this chapter are a mixture of DBT and CBT techniques, and while these therapies are not first-line treatments for pre-apocalypse PTSD, I think they are things that could prove helpful to Ellie and I hopefully I’ve presented them as such. Feedback is always appreciated, I have the story arcs fairly well planned but writing them up can be tricky, so it’s great whenever I hear from any of you. Thanks for reading.


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEW WARNINGS: Mentions of eating disorder like symptoms (brief)  
> Discussion of (it doesn’t happen though) the possibility of a child being attacked or killed. 
> 
> Whew, so this chapter was hard and will probably be a hard read compared to the others. The whole chapter is Dina’s letter to Ellie about her leaving and then reactions and Ellie’s reply, so there’s a lot of focus on the losses both of these two have been through and the impact. I hope I did it some justice!

Dear Ellie,

Where do I start? I don’t fucking know. I don’t think I can make this a good letter, nicely structured or whatever, it’ll take me the rest of the life. I’m just going to write and write until hopefully I feel done, unloaded, if that’s possible. Let’s hope it is.

You broke my fucking heart. You think I wasn’t still grieving for Jesse? You think I felt confident parenting alone, with a whole farm to run? You think I even felt safe walking JJ back to Jackson with no horse and no-one with us?

I can only assume you didn’t think at all. Because if you did, if you left actually having known or realised how scary it was to be alone there in the middle of night, no way to safely get JJ back to Jackson, no chance I could manage everything alone, if you knew all that and you still left in the middle of night with no plan for me then... Well then fuck you because I wouldn’t even do that to a dude I didn’t even like, let alone my partner.

I stayed for a week after you left, hoping to hell that some unplanned visitor would show up from Jackson so we could get help to move. I’m capable, but it was still fucking dangerous to walk JJ back to Jackson with no backup. But no one came, and the place didn’t feel safe. Where was I supposed to put him while I reset the explosive traps after a few infected wandered by and set them off? In the end, I had to walk him back to Jackson. We had a close call, actually. A fucking horde showed up. I had to run. Then we got trapped. I had to barricade us in and hope it would hold. But when do those things ever hold? I launched explosives through a gap, managed to distract them that what and they wandered off eventually. We lived. But not before I’d prayed that JJ would be too young to get infected, that he would have the mercy of a swift death. Did it occur to you that your actions could put us in a position like that?

I figure you didn’t know, because I know how messed up your brain was. I know how little you slept, I knew you weren’t eating as much as you tried to make out either. I know you were obsessed and sick. But I also know that you had help, you had as much help as I could manage, and you still could have chosen that help. Serious question, Ellie, why didn’t you ~~take the help?~~ want to be helped?

I had to be a single parent out of the blue. I was settled, just about, and managing, just about, and then I had to start again. Jesse’s parents are lovely, they’ll always be family, but don’t you think having to move in with them in a hurry because you left might’ve brought up some grief for my own family?

It was hell, it was absolute hell and I hate the fact it only really ended when you came back. I needed you, Ellie, and if not you then I at least needed a goddamn body to bury, at least needed to know. Everyone I’ve lost...I know I’m blessed in my ability to cope more easily than some but I’m not made of stone, I’m not I’m unbreakable, and most of the time I’m scared of the same damn things you are, El.

If you didn’t have PTSD, if Tommy hadn’t rocked the boat like that, if I didn’t honestly believe that you weren’t really yourself back then, I would never even consider giving you another chance. In fact, if it wasn’t for the fact that you actually broke this damn obsession by sparing her when she was literally drowned, I probably wouldn’t consider it either, because otherwise it’s just like “Alright, well what about the next thing? Or what if her third cousin appears from the blue and you have to dump us again to go on some more bullshit?” The fact you spared her...that you went all that way, that I actually get. You took the power back, and then you actually thought about what you wanted to do with it. That gives me hope.

I have hope because you actually turned away from it, I have hope that that means you are actually done, more done than killing her, but I feel like a fool for having that hope. I feel like your stupid Goddamn groupie, turned your sad little wait-at-home wife, like an idiot. If I had the choice, Ellie, if I could flip a switch to make me stop loving you, I would flip it. I would flip it for the good of my son and my sanity. But I don’t, so what do I do?

I wish I could hate you. At least a bit of me hates you for coming back, actually. The bit of me that was getting over you and that knows I’d be smarter to love someone else.

She was more important to you than our family, Ellie. Why should I forgive that? How should I forgive that? Do you have a therapy book for that? Because I need one too, I really do.

I take some comfort from talking to folks about PTSD and the messed up shit it does to people. Helps me believe that maybe you don’t really think killing her is better than loving us. I mean, how worthless would I have to be that the whole rest of my life compared unfavourably to a corpse?

I’m still hurting, and I’m still angry.  
Sometimes I want to make you come down here and grovel on your knees to see the son you abandoned, then tell you no just to spit back some of the hurt. Sometimes I straight up wanna punch you, Ellie.

But most of the time, I just cry. I just cry all night, I used to cry so hard that I’d wake JJ up. I didn’t mind the idea of being alone with my son, El, but after you dangled co-parenting and my dream house in front of me, then snatched away another family from? Like mom’s killers snatched her away, like Talia’s killers took her, like Abby took Jesse away? And don’t tell me it’s different because you didn’t personally murder one of my loved ones. You taking yourself on suicide mission hurt just as much. However it happened, it was another loss.

That was cruel, Ellie. It was as cruel as any of those other acts, because this time it wasn’t just some asshole, it was the woman I loved. Break ups aren’t the same thing when you commit to a kid. I wasn’t just your girlfriend or your partner anymore, we shared something deeper, and I’m torn about whether I should risk sharing it again.

I still love you, but I hate that I do. Can you fix that, El? That’s another serious question, by the way. You want me to forgive you? Then fucking fix it, and don’t ask me how because I don’t know how. I need to trust you again to feel able to love you again, but I’ve no idea if or how I could. So try and figure that out, please, because I’d actually like to be happy again and I don’t see how that’s happening.

You can screw up with the little things sometimes, El, because I don’t expect anyone to be perfect, but you have no more chances with me or JJ if you decide on another big fuck up, one more disappearance or suicide mission, and that’s it. No contact. Not even a birthday card. He’s still young enough that I could write you out of his life and he’d forget that there was anything to remember. I don’t want to do that, but I’m not going to set him up for a traumatic loss waiting to happen just because I love you. I’m a mother now (like you were supposed to be too, remember?) and I have to put him first. Best case scenario is he has a second parent in you, but joining his mother in hanging around wondering if you’ve died, that’s worse for him than forgetting you altogether, so if it’s comes to it, it comes to it.

I didn’t want to say this to you too soon, because I feared that you might do something stupid but at least as far as JJ is concerned this has to be all or nothing. We don’t have to get back together, never split up or whatever but if you want in, then you need to swear a freaking oath or something that you won’t leave again,

Maybe I should have said this sooner, but maybe I wasn’t ready, but honestly I want you to either swear me a freaking oath that you are not leaving again, straight up tell Maria you want her to lock you in a cage if she has to, or fucking leave JJ and I for good. Make that decision carefully, Ellie, don’t stay by default. Commit completely to one or the other. And if you can’t commit, know that the default is to fuck off and leave. If you want this, and I’m not even promising you an offer, then this is it. For life. You want back in? Prove to me you understand that if there’s a way back for us, then it’s a one-fucking-way street. It’s living and dying here in Jackson, no adventures, no stupid risks, no quests. A home and a family, are you ready for that to be enough? Being a parent, or a good one at least, means putting your son first no matter what.

And I mean no matter what. Say we get attacked one day, and this time I get killed, are you ready to let it go, leave my killers free to live, because you staying home and looking after him is what’s best for JJ? Because that’s where you need to be. That’s a parent. You think Joel would’ve given a rat’s ass about revenge if it meant putting you at risk?

How you would even prove half this stuff to me? I don’t even know. It’s your mess, El, hopefully you can figure it out.

For what it’s worth, I really hope you want to stay.

Told you it would be long and messy. Remember this isn’t the sum total of everything I feel for you, this doesn’t override any of the things I’ve said in other letters, this is just one side, the side that I’ve kept under control but needed you to see and understand if we’re to have a chance as a couple. I still don’t know if we do, but I know that we never will unless we deal with this.

Please don’t do anything stupid, please don’t make any snap decisions and for God’s sake please don’t just up and leave without saying a word.

D ~~x~~ x

—  
  


I told myself I wouldn’t write and rewrite, just leave it as if I just yelled at her until it was all out there, but fuck, I hope it’s not too harsh. I don’t want her to leave proper, Jackson is her home too, I just want her to... If I’m telling the truth, I want her to be ready to face the harsh truth about what she did, not hid from it, take responsibility for it, I want her to be ready to start giving as much as she takes, ready to show me that family life is enough, that I’m enough. There’s other fish in the sea, but I’m gonna have one last go for the dream of a life shared with my best friend. I hope I’m not being an idiot.

—

~~Invisible~~ Unseen chains on around my heart  
Wishing you could see  
~~The cage I’m in~~

Inside the bars of ~~flesh and~~ bone  
~~In~~ A cage of regret, of shame, and worst all of hope  
~~I’m a~~ Here lies a wounded animal  
Still calling out for my mother  
My twice-stolen fathers can’t help me redeem 

  
Dare I dream of redemption?  
The touch of ~~Dina~~ a lover  
The warmth of ~~my~~ a son

The hope drains like the guilt  
Two parasites with the same  
body, different faces, same force, same strains  
Both make you a fool

~~

I’m glad I killed those sick fucks. I hope those slaves ended up okay. I really hope they didn’t go and fucking get their own slaves. Don’t be so cynical, Ellie, not everyone you’ve met is a sick fuck, just most of them. They let you go, didn’t they? They saw the bite, they must have guessed I wanted to rescue someone I cared for before I turned. They let me, that’s promising. Surely at least one of them won’t be a sick fuck. Maybe one of them made it home to another little potato... I hope so. I hope I make it home too...

~~

Time?  
Commit to something here? Something stable?  
Something big but not dramatic?  
Keep at it, that’s the main thing, keep at it.  
Don’t do anything stupid.

~~  
I wonder if Maria will talk this out with me over a whiskey? No harm in asking. Dina hasn’t given up on me...

But maybe she should have?

Don’t do the self-loathing thing. Think of JJ. Self-loathing does not help JJ.

I miss my baby potato, I wish I could see him more than once per week...

—  
Dear Dina,

Thank you for being honest with me, trusting me in a way. I’m grateful for it. I agree that this is all on me. I don’t think I was thinking straight, because all those obvious problems I caused by leaving in such a stupid way, those risks didn’t even occur to me. But it was still my choice and ultimately I have to take responsibility for that. I didn’t think about the practicalities of how I left you and JJ, and that was the shittiest part. I know I’m lucky for any amount of second chance you give me.

I wish I knew exactly why I didn’t want to be helped. I know some of the reasons, from my therapy books, but I don’t know how they all fit together into a single reason. Sorry for the bullshit therapy language:  
Self-destructive tendencies  
Self-esteem and self-image issues  
Obsessive thinking patterns  
Something about transference

Basically, and I really don’t wanna make excuses, this is just what I’ve figured out, doesn’t make it okay. But basically, I think part of it is that to accept help or want help you have to think that you are worthy of help and that it’s possible that someone can help, and I don’t think I felt either of those things. Like, maybe I’m beyond being salvageable as a person so why would it be worthwhile to try, and why should anyone try? That was my thinking. Or part of it.

Another part was this kinda obsession where it was like part of me didn’t want to let that go. I was so fixated on this idea that killing her would heal my pain, I didn’t want anyone “getting in the way” of that. That’s kinda the transference thing, too, because there was stuff about my fight with Joel where I felt shitty and thought killing her could fix a load of other shit too. Sounds crazy but I just had so many awful feelings bundled together and so it seemed like I could tackle them all in one.

I hope that answer helps in some way, even if I can’t just give you one definitive clear reason why.

I want a nice, long life here, a “boring” life with you and JJ. Life with you is still the closest thing I’ve been to happy. So that’s what I want, all in. I’m going to keep this letter aside for three days before I send it so you know I’ve had that time to reflect, to be certain.

And as for how I can fix all of this, I don’t know how either, but I would like to try.

I know that phrase sounds weak, but it means something special to me, more to me than if I said I promise, or I swear or anything else I could say because that was one of the last things I ever said to Joel.

Ugh, I guess I never really talked about it before, did I? So we met because I’m immune. He was only meant to smuggle me a little way from Boston to meet some Fireflies, but they were dead, the next place that was meant to have Fireflies in, they were dead there too. We ended up travelling a long way together. We bonded. I’ve told you some of it, but it was intense. That winter, he nearly died, he got impaled and it got infected. Then I got captured by these cannibal dudes, he rescued me after I had to kill this awful fucking dude who set the building on fire.

So when we got to the actual living Fireflies it had been a whole year. They were going to kill me to get the cure but Joel couldn’t take it so he “stopped them,” which I’m pretty sure means a lotta dudes died. Hence the revenge, I guess. I was unconscious the whole time we were at the Fireflies, so I didn’t know what happened. When we first got to Jackson, he swore to me this whole made-up story about how all these other people were immune and they’d stopped looking for a cure. Two years later I found out the truth and that was how we got into our big falling out. ~~The night before~~ The last night I saw him, I still wasn’t ready to forgive him, but I wanted to. I told him I didn’t know how I could forgive, but I said the same thing to him, “but I would like to try.” I know I’m the one that wants forgiveness now, and it’s all just words, but I just thought you should know that those words mean something very personal to me. They mean more than any other promise I could make. I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me... I just thought you show know what those words meant. So Dina, I know you’re not sure if there’s anything I can do to get your trust back, but I would like to try.

Is it okay to tell you I love you? I hope so. I’m still at Maria’s and I’m gonna stay the night, because this was hard but that way there’s no need to worry about me.

Love,

Ellie.

—

It needs to be the hard stuff:  
Talk about Joel.  
Tell JJ the stories.

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and toughing out the heavy stuff there, and rest assured there’s some cuter stuff coming in the next chapter, re: Ellie’s gift making efforts and visits to JJ. I hope my dodgy attempt at Ellie’s song lyrics didn’t totally ruin the mood. I love hearing any and all comments from y’all so as always please let me know what you think.
> 
> I also have a tumblr now so you can find me there @PurpleSunriseFanFic


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New warnings: (Keep reading for an option to avoid these)  
> Mentions of rape  
> Mentions of becoming pregnant from rape  
> (Separately) Mentions of fearing miscarriage/stillbirth of a wanted pregnancy (does not happen)  
> Inaccurate portrayal of recovery (a character shares their perception that every relapse makes the overall PTSD worse and that too many relapses might make a person unable to recover. In reality, no amount of relapses make recovery impossible and relapses can be a natural or unavoidable part of recovery. They don’t mean you are less likely to be able to recover. They can, however, be demoralising and make you feel the type of things discussed above, hence the inclusion here.)  
> Reminder of the existing archive warnings regarding discussions of graphic cannon violence from parts 1 and 2. A substantial portion of this chapter involves detailing cannon violence.
> 
> All the new warnings are due to a letter to Tommy trying to get through to him, if that helps. 
> 
> If the new warnings are a barrier for an existing readers to keep reading, please do reach out in a comment here or on Tumblr (@PurpleSunriseFanFic, Anon asks are open if you prefer): I’m more than happy to redact the chapter for you and/or summarise key plot points so that these triggers don’t force you to stop reading. 
> 
> This chapter is the first one to have had a beta reader! So a huge thank you to @anaughywitcher, who has helped improve this chapter a great deal. 
> 
> This is another mostly heavy chapter, but there’s some family goodness in here too. I really hope you enjoy it!

Dear Maria,

It’ll depend on Dina’s views on having me inside the wall, but I wanted to ask whether I might be able to work farming rotation in Jackson a couple of days a week? (As and when we can get the Tommy situation resolved, I mean)

I know it wasn’t my favourite job and I could be a bit inclined to make that clear when I was angling to go on patrol instead, but I think I was decent enough at it nevertheless and still worked hard, so hopefully you can trust that I’ll come to it with a good attitude.

Thanks for being there for me the other day, it means so much to me to know we will always be family.

Ellie

—  
Dear Dina,

Even after some thinking time, I’m still somewhat unsure about Tommy’s potential reaction to the full Santa Barbara story. If one of us were to tell him, I suggest we ensure he is sober and not in too much pain (his leg pain is chronic and can be pretty nasty). It always used to be that the pain was worse first and last thing. I believe he starts drinking at lunch, so I guess we’re thinking late morning.

I’m not his favourite person, but equally I’m not worried he’d hurt me and he doesn’t adore you much either right now, so perhaps I’m the better choice of messenger. What do you think?

Please give JJ some kisses from Auntie Maria and tell him I’ll see him on Saturday.

Love,

Maria.

—

Dear Ellie,

Thank you for the, what did you call it? “Captain JJ’s Supreme Dino-Rover Speed of Light Rocket Ship” (you always did make me laugh, El!). It works well as a buggy and he has a lot of fun playing inside it, too. I‘m thinking that it’s worth using the Polaroid film to get a picture of him enjoying it. Would you like to make it a family picture? I think that would be nice.

Dina x

PS It meant a lot to me that you opened up about Joel, I know what a huge deal that is. Keep trying how you are, and maybe we’ll be lucky with how things heal. No harm in praying for it, I guess, if you like.

—

Dear Dina,

I would really like that. Do you think I might be able to have the picture here with me for a little while, please? I’ll be sure to keep it safe if that’s okay with you.

I also wanted to talk about being more involved with JJ. I hope that’s okay to bring up. I’m not meaning to ask you for more contact as such because that’s your choice, but I just want to make sure I’m really clear with where I stand. Given the choice, I would really like to see JJ more than I do currently and my goal would be that to work to become more of a full co-parent to him if that’s something you are open to in the future. I thought it was important to be sure that you knew that that’s where I’m at, but without stepping out of turn and asking for anything more than you are comfortable with.

I’m also talking to Maria about the possibility of spending more time inside the wall and helping out with works inside Jackson. But that’s completely conditional of whether you are comfortable with that, so just let me know where you stand with that and I’ll honour your wishes.

I remember that way back you suggested I tell JJ about Joel. I want to work towards doing that. I think I might need some help with it at first, though. I wonder if we could arrange a playdate at a time when Maria is free. I had the idea that maybe she could ask me about Joel and I could answer and that would break the ice and be a start.

There were things in your letter that I didn’t acknowledge specifically yet, that I would like to over time, things where I would like to try to make some amends. To take some time to work out what I can do. Am I okay to bring things from it up again in the future?

I aim to pray for other people, rather than myself, so I try to avoid stuff about you and I getting back together, because I think I should focus on whatever is best for you and JJ over the more selfish stuff. I can’t really take in how blessed I am that you include me in your hopes for a happy future, so I guess I’ll sort a prayer for it indirectly when I pray for you. (Do you find religion is kinda good for encouraging the selfless stuff, even if you don’t believe, as well? That’s what I find. It’s helpful for that. The other day I read about how the Torah wasn’t given until people became selfless enough to have it. I liked that idea, I related to it because I always wanted to believe. I would love to think that there’s a chance I could meet my parents one day, like in heaven or something. So it made me start to wonder whether maybe if I am selfless enough, I might get to believe, might become worthy of that, like how the people in the story became worthy of the Torah. But then I worry that’s selfish and corrupts all my aims.)

All of that reminded me of another piece of my history that I think it would be good to share, I hope that’s okay.

The last time I talked about heaven was with a friend called Sam. He was maybe about 11 when he died. The blue robot I have was his. Well, actually, I stole it for him because I saw he liked it but his brother didn’t want him to take things he didn’t need. Him and his brother and Joel and I were trying to escape these psycho Hunters in Pittsburgh who had this old army tank they chased us in. We escaped, but the infected heard the noise. He got bitten, and he asked me about what I was scared of and about the infected and about heaven, if I believed in it. He hadn’t told me he was bitten. I treated it like a normal conversation. I said I didn’t believe. That seemed to make him sad. Then he spent the whole night alone, slowly starting to turn. I wish I’d told him something more comforting, wish I had known.

I struggled on and off with that for years. Joel never let me talk about it, so it just festered. This shit has hit me hard again since Joel because I should have known better. I should have known that in this world any conversation could be the last one you have. I wasted so much time with him, yelled so much at him and now it’s too late, and I see that my life already showed me that you don’t take those risks and yet I was too dumb to listen.

Jesus, maybe that stuff is more suited to my journal. I don’t write well or keep a clear head when I open up. I know you always wanted me to open up more, but I should check in with whether you still do, and if this was too much? I hope you know you can say anything to me. And you can express more of the things I did and what impact they had if you want to. I promise I won’t do anything stupid even if what you have to say is hard to hear. I have some exercises that help with that. They help me refocus on what I can and must do for JJ.

Yeah, that’s another another thing from the stupid books. I’m not sure if you were serious in your letter about wanting a stupid book of your own but I can totally arrange that if you want? I’ll pick a less dumb one for you at least.

I hope your work and everything else has been going well.

Love,

Ellie.

—  
Dear Maria,

Here’s a draft letter for Tommy. Keep it safe and let me know what you think.

If you want her take on it, then you can run this by Dina too, but I’m a little conscious that I don’t want her to think I said those things to try and win her back, so part of me is wary of that. Whatever you think best.

I really hope this works. I hope he’s still in there. I can rewrite this shit if you need me to, I know it’s kinda a mess.

Please give JJ extra kisses from me if you see him around town.

Love, Ellie.

—  
[Sent to Maria]  
Dear (Uncle?) Tommy,

I left my family at great cost to pursue Abby in Santa Barbara as you wished me to. And given how much that decision, the one you wanted (pressured?) me to make, fucked over Dina and JJ, I think the least you owe me is to hear what happened with an open mind.

When I was part way to finding Abby, I got entangled with some other dudes, some really sick fucks (“Rattlers” they called themselves) who changed my perspective and I want you to read this and try to understand why.

You, me, Abby... and Joel too, we’re not good people, man. We do some good here in Jackson where we can show our best selves, but we’re shitty people too. All of us have tortured people, all of us left the loved ones of our victims to be tormented over their fate. I killed a fucking pregnant woman, man.

But we’re in one league - all of us, including Abby - and some folks out there are still in another league altogether. We torture for revenge or information or both, but we don’t torture for fun. We don’t torture at random. Her torture of Joel was not random.

The torture in Santa Barbara, at the Rattler camp, was. I was captured actually. For the first time in 5 years my immunity saved my life again, not because I got jumped, but because people in the group there infect people for fun then chain them up and torment them. Yep, I laughed at one of them while delirious from hanging upside down in a trap in the burning sun all day. I laughed at him briefly, his buddy even chuckled too, but that was enough for him to decide to infect me, not kill me, but infect me. They chain up the infected in the burning California sun and then just goad them. They’re not even really used as a form of defence because they’re chained too tight for them to be a threat to anyone.

And while we don’t care to admit it, we all know that the infected suffer. But that wasn’t even near the worst of it. These guys were slave-owners and sadists. They were another level, something to remind us that humanity gets worse than the likes of us, worse than the cannibals who tried to eat me for food, worse than the hunters who tried to kill me for the clothes on my back, worse than any of us torturing people for revenge.

And even “slave-owners” doesn’t really do it justice. Whatever you’re picturing, it’s worse than that. They described me as “only got a month in her at the most.” I’m 19 and was still reasonably muscular, but they were certain I would die within a month. Think about how badly you have to treat people to be sure that you’ll work a young, healthy person like me to death within one month. I got free by shoving the guy into the clicker he got to bite me and I ended up in their camp. I saw a guy suicide right in front of me after he got caught trying to escape. He was screaming that he wouldn’t go back. They tried to shoot him in the legs so they could torture him for his escape efforts, so he shot himself straight in the head without a second thought.

They overworked their people until they dropped dead. People died within months at the most because they would be stripped, deliberately sunburnt, abused and excessively underfed when there was plenty of food. They could have treated their slaves a little better and avoided half the escapes and deaths if they wanted to, even make their own lives better overall from doing so, but they didn’t want to. They ruled by terror. They kept people in line, or at least attempted to, by showing them the torture they would otherwise expose them to.

Not everyone was punished by being infected, though. I took a bunch of these fuckers out and freed some of their slaves. They told me there were others at “the pillars” on the beach.

I’ve never seen anything quite like it, Tommy, and you know I’ve seen some shit. It shocked me, for the first time since I was 14, I saw something that was actually capable of shocking me.

The pillars were crucifixion by another name. And not just adults, either. I went down to the beach and found a child strung up to die in the burning sun. They crucified a child for trying to run away.

I found Abby after I’d cleared out all the Rattlers I could find. She’s found some kid (the boy from the theatre) who it seems to be her new life’s purpose to protect. Remind you of anyone?

He’s clearly not her biological family, he’s got those weird face scars so he must have run away from that crazy cult in Seattle. When I found her, all she wanted to do was to protect him, to save his life at any cost to herself. She was in a pretty bad shape herself and had no desire to fight me. I found her not too far from those Rattler dicks, and she actually offered to help me. She’d seen what they were capable of and told me how to escape, not wanting even her sworn enemy to be subjected to that shit.

I still fought her, though, and had her nearly dead. Then I thought about Joel, what he would have wanted. I thought about when I was a kid alone in a shitty world save for one formerly shitty person (Joel’s freakin’ girlfriend in Boston said to him “We’re shitty people, Joel, it’s been that way for a long time” not long before she died.) who was now trying to do right by me.

I was drowning her actually. Never told you this before because it’s a shitty memory, but the first real non-fungus person I killed was when Joel was being drowned. Back on the road, age 14, I watched Joel nearly drown and I shot the dude drowning him in the head. I threw up afterwards, but I was grateful I did it, grateful I still had Joel. Funny the parallels we have with our enemies, huh?

So I let her go just before it was too late. Too late for the kid or too late for me. She got straight up, and I told her to just go, take the kid to safety. She gave no fucks about doing anything to me because all she wanted to do was get to that kid and look after him.

And he needed looking after, too, because he was the child that they’d tried to crucify on that pillar. He was unconscious. She only fought me under threat that I’d kill him otherwise.

And it was pretty shocking that she found any ability to fight, honestly, because she’d been crucified too.

Yeah, they got captured several months before I reached California. The whole reason I went to their camp was actually to find her.

You’d barely have recognised her, Tommy, she barely had any muscles in her arms, they cut all her hair off. I’ve met dudes who aren’t half as evil as the Rattlers who’d’ve queued up to rape a young woman like her, so I don’t doubt that happened. She’s probably pregnant, honestly, because those guys are the sort who’d just go “Oh well, the bitch’ll be dead before she has it anyway.”

You wanted her to pay, Tommy, and she did. She paid. She was broken and frightened. She was a scared mother-figure pulling on her last bit of strength when she was more than halfway to death just to protect him until the end.

And make no mistake, that kid was dead without help. He couldn’t walk, he couldn’t talk, he couldn’t have driven the boat away himself to escape without her. Killing her was just a cowardly way of proxy killing a kid. Killing a kid, Tommy. I never promised you I would kill a kid.

And wasn’t killing a kid the whole origin of all our shit in the first place? Would Joel have become a merciless hunter setting up ambushes if he’d had to do all that in front of Sarah? If she hadn’t been shot dead, would he have become who he was? Sure, dude might’ve still gotten into smuggling and some other shady shit, life in the QZ was rough, but you think he would still would have exploited people’s good hearts to rob them? That’s what you did, right? YOU, both of you, did. Feigned injury to get people to stop and help so you could kill them and steal their shit?

And isn’t the irony of it all that you rejected Joel, blamed Joel, for all of it, as if you were better than that, as if it was all on him while you were better than that? He liked the idea that you were better than that, you know. The idea that it was his fault, his evil, that you were better that him, that idea meant the world to him, Tommy. He was willing to be the bad guy, take responsibility for all your joint shit (you *were* an adult, weren’t you?) if it allowed you and him and me to have hope.

He took on all the guilt and all the pain, all of the hatred and rejection from you and me both, so that we could all hope that now we’re here in Jackson, we’ve made it somewhere where we can be steered by people who are better than us, who will steer us to be better, help us do some good instead of just being assholes killing other assholes until eventually some asshole kills us.

So who are you, Tommy? Both of us are shitty people who do some real good, too. But when push comes to shove and you have to pick, are you the guy who chooses revenge at any cost or the guy who chooses to spare the life of an innocent kid?

I’m not asking you to be happy about what I did, I’m not asking you to love me or forgive me or any of that shit. But at the moment you threaten my safety and by extension my son’s safety. You threaten my attempts to recover from the debilitating PTSD that makes me unable to properly care for my son, unable to properly look after myself, unable to fulfil the responsibilities I have to his mother.

I am begging you to remember why you came here, why you loved and nurtured this place, remember the good inside yourself and inside Joel (and, I guess, inside me as well). Remember it just enough to sneer at me from afar and stay back so I can focus on caring for my family. I still believe you’re the person who chooses the innocent kid over the revenge, Tommy.

And if you’re not that person anymore, if you still can’t understand at all why I let her leave to take care of the kid instead of having him die alone and in pain, then what are you even doing in Jackson? You helped build this place, Tommy.

This place of mercy and redemption, Tommy. Jackson is a place of hope, a place that wouldn’t be what it is today without you. And because of the goodness we have here, it’s a place that wouldn’t automatically side with you if I shared the whole story of Santa Barbara publicly.

I don’t want to fight, Tommy, I’m tired of it. And I don’t want the whole of Jackson up in our business, but Dina? She’s scared about you, man. She has suggested we tell the whole town, hoping that doing so will make people want to keep a protective eye over me, keep you away from me, because they won’t agree with you if they know about the slavers and the kid who I would’ve killed to kill Abby. She thinks that if everyone in town understands my side of it, they’ll protect me and there’s less chance you could get to me for another conflict. Dina worries conflict with you could send me batshit again.

And, she’s probably right. I went 14 years without a family, dude. And losing my uncle ripped those scars right open, ripped my scars over Joel right open too, ripped almost every fucking scar I have right open. And now I have another one, I lost my Uncle. I’m running out of space for them, Tommy. I don’t know if I could even manage one more confrontation with you without just breaking down again.

And every time I fall into that hole where my PTSD runs riot, where it’s all flashbacks and nightmares and no food and no sleep and I can’t think straight and I can barely tell what’s real, it gets harder to crawl back out again. Dina doesn’t want to lose me down that hole for forever, and I’m not going to stop her doing what she thinks best if it comes to it. I can’t stop her, I owe her too much. I paid a price to try everything to fulfil my promise to you, Tommy. But it wasn’t just me. Dina paid a price too, so did JJ. I forced them to pay that price. Now WE owe them.

And if you won’t try to do right by her (not whatever you think is right by her but she says is right by her) then I’ll just have to try and pay double, whatever that means.

She lost people too, you know. She spent that pregnancy absolutely terrified she’d lose Jesse’s legacy. His only child, the one comfort his grieving parents might have, relying on her while she’s sick and injured. Can you imagine going through that? You’re not the only victim here. All she wants now is to rest a little easier at night knowing that her other possible co-parent hasn’t been shot dead or reduced to a useless bucket of trauma by a man that we love, a man who we considered JJ’s great uncle.

And everything I’ve said about Dina is all about him, really. She’s a natural mother, her worries always lead back to what’s best for him. She might’ve come down here and punched me herself for leaving had it not been for JJ.

But she’s given me a chance to reach out to you first. A chance that neither of us really deserve after what the both of us did to her. A chance to make peace between ourselves, without dragging town politics onto lives, without the people who owe you everything starting to look down on you. Why the fuck should they, after everything you’ve been through, and all you can still do? I wish you’d snipe the hoards again, Tommy, get back involved in sharing your knowledge with the patrol leads. You don’t need to give up. You’re far more capable than you realise.

Please take this chance, Uncle Tommy. Please understand, and if you can’t forgive me, please just leave me be for JJ’s sake, if nothing else.

And you might punch me for saying this, but it’s what Joel would want, and you know that in your heart. It’s time we honour his life instead of obsessing over his death. He deserves better from us both.

Love from the woman who wishes she was still you niece, Ellie.

—

[Unsent]

Dear Tommy,

Ellie’s letter took me right back to who we used to be. To when we first met Joel. I never thought he would turn so good after your history, and I for sure never thought that you would turn so bad.

Your bullshit is all on you, have no doubt, but her letter does make me regret not pushing you harder. I tried to give you the time to recover and, like every other resident here, ensure you didn’t feel like the community would force you into work when you were injured. We’re not one of those shitty places where you get old or sick or injured and we call you “dead weight” and don’t feed you anymore, we’re better than that.

But maybe I should have been on your ass to start doing what you could, maybe if I had then you wouldn’t have come to focus so much on what you can do, and stop offering what you could do. You can only put one eye up against a scope, and our best sniper really doesn’t need to move that fast. Maybe if I’d pushed you back into work you wouldn’t be such a sorry-for-yourself asshole now. Maybe I should start insisting you work again now...

I just wish you hadn’t been such an idiot in the first place, Tommy. Trying to protect Ellie was noble, was a way to honour your brother, but he wasn’t dumb enough to think he could make her stay behind, even at age 14, so I’m not sure why you were. I couldn’t have locked her up, I’m not a tyrant. Things might not have gone so many kinds of wrong had you not all left separately. Well, no point dwelling on that, but maybe you do need a push back into using your skills instead of stewing in your inflated sense of inadequacy...

Maria.

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’ll be going back to lot of focus on Ellie and Dina next time, a lot of stuff regarding the fallout from Dina’s letter, so rest assured that we’ve not abandoned that thread! Likewise, it’ll be the update after next before we see what Tommy makes of this all, so some light suspense for us all too. 
> 
> Your comments were, once again, just amazing to read. I so appreciate hearing from each and every one of you who takes the time, and I hope to hear what you make of this chapter. Now this is posted I’ll allow myself my favourite part of this: replying to you all from last time! <3
> 
> Update schedule is likely to be every 4-5 days, so I’ll see you all again as soon as I can. 
> 
> Thanks for again for reading, I hope you’re glad you did.


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, and thanks again for all your comments. Y’all always make me feel appreciated and it’s really helpful to hear your insights and see what you pick up on in the story. I’ve not had a great week, just with some safe but annoying chronic illness flare-ups, so I might take a little longer to reply to your comments from the last chapter but rest assured I have read them all (several times each tbh!) and really appreciate the support.
> 
> Since I’m feeling a bit naff, I’m planning to give myself a 7-day deadline for the next chapter: I’m sorry that this is a little longer to wait (and I hope I might be ready with it a little sooner) but I think it’ll be easier for me to manage this week. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy the read and as always I’d love to hear what you think, including any constructive negative feedback. :)
> 
> Last but the opposite of least, a big thank you to my incredible beta reader, who has once again really helped improve this chapter, so all the thanks to @anaughtywitcher on Tumblr.

Dear Ellie,

Farming rotation? Someone wants to prove to a certain lady just how much she’s ready to be home girl and family woman!

I’m certainly not against it, more hands on deck is never a bad thing. You do know that this is still your home, right? That you don’t need to live outside the wall? It’s sweet that you try to give Dina all this space, but don’t rule out the possibility that the distance might be more your idea than hers. She worries for you out there, you know. Doesn’t say it, of course, but I can tell these things. 

Maria.

PS  
I just received your other letter. I’m so proud of you, Ellie. I know Joel would be, too. Whether you’re an adult or not, I still reserve the right to call myself Auntie Maria and tell you how much I Iove you from time to time. xx

—

Ellie/Dina,

I stayed with Tommy while he read the letter. He scoffed at first, but then he went quiet and stayed quiet for long time. He certainly didn’t go off on one and eventually he just said “You can tell Ellie I’ll stay back awhile for now, need me some thinkin’ time.” Then he made coffee, instead of pouring a whiskey. I don’t think we could have asked for better, really. He knows better than to bullshit his word to me, so we should be pretty safe.

Now, since Ellie is part of this community, has her family here, and contributes plenty to it, as far as I’m concerned she’s welcome inside the walls anytime, so it’s down to you girls to figure out what works.

I’ll make any days work for Ellie’s work here, so just let me know when to rota that in. 

I expect you both to keep giving JJ kisses from Auntie Maria whenever you see him. It’s a lot of work for me round here without my right-hand man and it doesn’t leave me as much time to snuggle with him as I’d like.

Love, Maria. 

—  
[Unsent]  
Dear Ellie,

Come home. I still love you, and the past will figure itself out in time. 

D xxx

—

Dear Jesse,

I’m glad you’re always here in my mind when I need to remember to be smart about things. (Even if you drove me crazy with it back in the days...) I have everything I have because of you. You were generous with your love and your family, never a question that you would cut that off whatever happened between us. And I’m not sure if you realised just how many of the ladies in Jackson had wandering eyes the second we broke up. Even Ellie noticed the number of “Hi, Jesse” giggly waves you got from the girls around town the morning after, and she’s the most oblivious person that’s possibly ever existed. 

And she’s still pretty oblivious now. All this fretting about staying back. She’s turned out so honourable, trying to be some kind of old school gentleman or something. Maybe that’s the Texan in her. (And there IS Texan in her, for sure, even if it’s not in actually in the blood, she’s Joel’s daughter through and through.)

But maybe she’s right about staying back. I know I’m not really over everything, I know it’s not really a good idea to just remake home and hope it works itself out, I know (I read up on things) that drastic changes aren’t the thing for PTSD recovery, I know that I’m not ready, I know better, and I’d never have just gone and sent that letter... I just...wish I didn’t have to suffer through any more. I’ve lost almost everyone, Jesse, and now I might be able to get one of them back. Obviously I want that. I just wish it didn’t involve more pain. Managing is not easy. I love JJ so much, and he alone is more than enough reason for me to keep pushing on, no matter what, but I would like it if he wasn’t my whole world, you know? I don’t think it’s healthy for him to be my only source of joy.

One reason I’m not really considering anyone but Ellie is that, honestly, I feel like the trust issues she left me with would be no better with a new person, either. If my best friend can leave me like that, surely anyone can. So, somehow, she’s actually my best shot at trusting again, because at least her coming back is starting point. 

Sometimes it just splits off in my mind, like she splits into my Ellie and the Ellie who left, and I just put the Ellie who left away in a box. That’s what I did to get the co-parenting sorted. Then I pulled that box open, and I’m so relieved and feeling so much more optimistic but with that comes an urge to just ignore the hurt, bury it as if that will make it go away. But I just gotta keep on the path we’re on, take it slow, focus on JJ.

What sometimes makes it tricky is that she’s basically left it to me to call all the shots...I know right? You’d never believe me without seeing it...I just hope she’s still stubborn about dumb shit, still my Ellie deep down. I don’t just want her to pretend to be whatever I need. I want her, but a her who won’t ever do a thing like that again.

I’m sure she is still her, even if it’s hard believe she’s really changed. If she wasn’t really being herself, would she have made JJ a buggy that’s also a dinosaur-shaped rocket ship? No, because literally no-one else in the world would do that. I wish I could’ve seen your face, man... We’d have to had a get a normal, smart-about-it buggy as well for Daddy to use, I reckon. Can’t picture you with this thing. Not to mention whichever of your admirers had gotten lucky. 

I wish I’d gotten to see you with him, and see you happy with another girl, too. Maybe he might even have had some half-siblings (Your parents could easily juggle grandparenting a good 20 or so kids, if not more.) That would’ve been nice. He recognises your picture, though, smiles at it. I tell him you are G-d’s wisest angel, that everyone is smart in Heaven because of you. I tell him how loyal you were, too. But most of all, I tell him that you would’ve loved him no matter what. That he doesn’t have to wonder whether he’d make you proud or not, because he couldn’t not. 

Try to have some fun while you’re up there, too. It’s Heaven, dude, you can probably smoke a little weed without worrying about being smart for a few minutes.

Love, Dina x

Dear Ellie,

I’d like a full-time co-parent, too. I hope you’ll live inside the wall again someday so we can be a proper team as JJ grows up. But there’s no need for you to feel pressured to move here again if it’s going to overwhelm you. I know it was a bit much for you here at one point, and we can still figure something out with you living at Eugene’s. When it comes to JJ, I have little doubt you and I can make it work whatever we have to work around. 

In the meantime, why don’t you drop by sometimes after work to see him, as well as the weekly visits? Or if you’d rather stick to keeping most contact via Jesse’s parents then we can figure out a second visit time, because you’d probably see me sometimes if we keep it flexible. 

Of course you can have the picture with JJ. I’m sorry I didn’t think to offer you one sooner. Maybe you’d like to have a couple of other pictures from the farmhouse too? If you’re happy with me dropping in when you next visit? We can take a family picture then. 

Working here sounds good, I worry that you get lonely out there. I hope Maria can find you something good, so I don’t find you collapsed from boredom in the polytunnels. Don’t worry about whats and whens of every time you might be in Jackson proper, either, bumping into you is fine. 

I don’t know if I have any more to say on the bad stuff right now, but I’m always glad to have the option to yell at you if I want it... is that a total free pass to send you angry letters of complaint about my every problem in life or must I stick to only stuff you’ve done?! (I hope it’s not too early for that joke.) 

I feel lighter for writing you, actually. The urge to punch you has gone down, so with Tommy’s reaction as well, I’d say your odds of avoiding a right hook have never looked better. (I still reserve the right to deck you, though, if you deserve it.)

I’m all for any books you’d recommend. Send ‘em over and I’ll read them. You have anything for grief or about forgiveness? Those would be perfect.

And that therapy stuff doesn’t sound half as dumb you reckon it does, you know. Exercises where you stave off the desire to be a reckless moron by focused thoughts about your kid? Sounds more like being a mother than it does being a doofus. Not that I’m suggesting you aren’t a doofus for other reasons of course, because you always were and I don’t see that changing with any amount of therapy.

Be careful out there,

Dina x 

PS: Talia approves of your Torah references, and I probably will too once when I pick myself off the floor, you’ve really been reading up on this. 

—

Could I live inside the wall again? I was so busy assuming she’d want me at arm’s length that I never really thought about it. The noise, the chaos, the people who think I’m weird. What if a kid sets me off? Jesus. 

Not full-time, not yet, but there’s gotta be a solution. I couldn’t exactly ask for a house to only live in sometimes... Could I? [Note to self: Discuss with Maria] 

I can’t believe she wants me back there. It almost seems like she wants me back, period. Easy, Ellie, don’t jump to conclusions...Take it slow. Calmly. Back with her would be back inside the wall, too. The noise, the memories, could it be home ever again? Too late for the farm. 

(We never really did the corny wooing stuff first time around, what with Joel. Maybe I could try to romance her and all that? 

“Hey Dina, it’s your best friend turned girlfriend turned co-parent turned dick who left you for a suicide mission turned weird ex doing therapy books in a weed bunker, can I take you out for dinner and movie? Maybe our son can come too, just to ensure we don’t possibly forget our baggage for one single second?”

I’m so dumb. Mostly because still I haven’t talked myself out it. Some romance would be nice... What would she like?)

—

Ellie! 

Dude, are you feeling okay? I saw you in the polytunnels, so I went to see Maria, told her you always hated farming rotation, crops especially, and you probably didn’t want to say anything in the circumstances but she needed to find you another job. Only she tells me YOU specifically requested it? Have you been seen by a medic lately? 

What’s the deal? 

From your bewildered Baby Mama x

—  
[Sent with two books enclosed: “Healing from Grief” and “Forgiving: When To Do It, When Not To Do It, & How To Do It”]

Dear Dina,

It’s probably dumb but I just thought maybe if you see me stick at doing that for awhile, maybe it’ll help you be able to trust that I wanna stick at home and family for good and not disappear again. 

It was just my first idea of something that might be, like, a pleasant surprise or sign of change or something. I’m working on more. I don’t think planting a few tomatoes will be enough for you to forgive me or anything, but maybe it’s a start.

Besides, I don’t mind it really. Farming holds way more good memories for me than it did when we were 15 and at least it’s peaceful, stable, and low risk of triggers. That’s gotta be the priority. 

I don’t know if I could move back inside the wall or not, I don’t think I’m ready to consider that yet. It’s...nothing here reminds me of Joel as much as town does. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to face all of that everyday without an escape. 

But, if I can’t, then I’ll find some place here that I can fortify like crazy so there’s options with JJ and it’s not all on you all the time. 

I hope these books are the right sort of thing, let me know if you want any others. There’s a little present for you in this envelope, too, which I hope you like. 

Love,

Ellie.

PS: Write me any letters of complaint that you’d like. If you want someone to vent about life to, I’d be glad for it to be me. 

—  
[Enclosed with Ellie’s letter]

A cardboard bookmark with various ink sketches of JJ covering both sides.  
—

Tommy,

Obviously we never force anybody back to work around here, that’s not our way, but I could use a favour and it’s something you’d be more than up to if you’re willing? Hoards are due soon and rifle ammo isn’t as high as I’d like it to be. You’re my best shot, and we could use a sniper who can make ‘em all count from afar. Would you consider helping out on patrol at some of the vantage points? It’d be doing us a real favour. Course, you’re under no obligation but I hope you’ll consider it nonetheless.

Maria.

—

Dear Maria,

I hear you’ll be joining us for Ellie’s visit next week, and Dina will be here too from their family picture with the new buggy. I know that you, Ellie and JJ need a little bit of alone time to help her open up and tell him about Joel. (She’s always been a brave girl, but she seems just lately to be much more wise with how she uses that bravery.) 

But aside from that — and be assured we will give you all the space and privacy you need for however long you like — we couldn’t let the occasion of a little family gathering slip by without trying to make something of it. So please bring your appetite for a big family meal! It’s been so long since we had so many of us together under one roof. 

The girls have had little to no time alone since Ellie returned, so I think we should try to be mindful with whatever they might need. I know it might be hard for them to see each other, so I’m going to try and be ready to ease things if they need, but I also think we should try not to crowd them if they seem to want some space to talk — which I think they might. 

Both girls seem to want to spend more time together, to try and work at things, but then both seem to hesitate and worry that they shouldn’t overstep with the other. I sense that they are both thinking the same things while assuming the other is thinking the opposite (however mature they are, and however much they have been through, it’s nice that they still have those elements of young love left in them, they don’t deserve to be burdened like they are.) I’m sure they’ll get there, regardless, but I think it’ll be nice if we can try and help them in the right direction. 

I hope the town isn’t keeping you too busy — it must be hard on your own — and we look forward to seeing you. Remember you are always welcome to drop by should you find 5 minutes the town can spare you for and want a cuddle with your nephew. 

Best Wishes,

Robin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading, I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and please do let me know what you think.  
> You can contact me or leave your feedback on my Tumblr @PurpleSunriseFanFic if you prefer Anon, don’t have an AO3 account or just prefer Tumblr.
> 
> Have a good week, and I’ll get an new chapter out to y’all asap,  
> Persephone x


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes an OC (Sadie, who Cat mentioned was her girlfriend back in chapter 1), who we’ll be hearing from occasionally during the rest of the story. I didn’t really want to get into doing OCs, but we’ve basically run out of anyone in Jackson who isn’t either already involved, dead or Seth (the bigot sandwhich dude)! So needs must. I hope you like her well enough for the story to hold up! Just to recap as it was so long ago, it was implied that Sadie and Cat are in a long-term, stable relationship.
> 
> Bonus fanning points if you know why that’s her name? :) 
> 
> And don’t worry about the mention of Seth, he is not gonna be doing anything homophobic. (I HC that Maria has helped him genuinely learn the error of his ways and he’s less of a homophobe now anyway.)
> 
> IMPORTANT WARNING:  
> The book extract in this chapter was written by me and while I have made every effort to provide accurate information, the definitions here are only rough very basic guides and were not written by a qualified professional. Please do not rely on the definitions or information presented for any serious or real-life issues. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Dear Maria,

Sure thing. I’ll always owe a Jackson a favour when you need to come collecting. Let me know the details.

Tommy.  
—

Sadie,

Tommy will be joining you on patrol tomorrow to snipe from the vantage points. I’ve asked him this time a favour to me, but I’m hoping it might renew his interest in his old work. He’s under no pressure, of course, but some encouragement would be a good thing if you get the opportunity. 

Assuming he does alright, I’ll leave it up to you if you want to go ahead and ask him about joining you for the next one: you know what a miserable bastard he can be these days, but I’m never worried about your ability to hold your own, Sade.

Thanks again for agreeing to keep me covered tomorrow night. If any folks are looking for me in the bar, Seth knows to sent ‘em your way, so you can head home without sitting there all night if you’d rather. Shouldn’t be any trouble but you never know, and without Tommy anymore it’s hard for me to get any downtime. Don’t hesitate to come down if there’s anything you do need help with though. I’d hate to think of anything major occurring and you struggling because you felt like you had to let me to sit on my ass at a party. 

If there are any problems with Tommy during patrol, drop me a note back and I’ll kick his ass to whatever extent is required.

Stay safe out there.

Maria.

—

Hey Maria,

I don’t envy you, you know, stuck with getting school reports on your ex husband, but I figure you’ll wanna know so here goes:

Tommy Miller is a very capable boy, albeit with his head a little way up his ass. He excels in shooting but must try harder at playing nice with the other children. 

Couldn’t resist! But seriously, he was great in terms of the actual work: still our best shot and spots better with one eye than most folks could with three. He was a grumpy sod the entire time but nothing more than I can easily kick his ass over, at least not until we got back. I could really use him out again, and I told him so, asked if he’d help out but that was when the hysteria started. “I see what yer up ter! An’ I don’t need yer pity!” 

So I assume that, combined with his swearin’ and stomping off, was a “No” from him about helping out again. Damn shame but not sure what I can do about it.

It’s no problem helping out, man, and you already thanked me for it, so stop fretting and just you have the good time on your night off that you deserve! I know how nice it is for you to have Ellie involved in something like this, and she does finally seem to be looking a little better. I know we stopped talking about her so much with how worried you got, but you should know that Cat and I are totally rooting for Romeo (Strongly recommend you try calling her that, by the way, she hates it in the most hilarious way, you even get to see a bit of our Ellie come back with the awkward and grumpy look she gives you, just like she was before it all.) 

That’s a point, I never did tell you how we got to calling her Romeo, and I’ll bet she never told you the truth about that tattoo either. Strictly between you and me, but, you know she didn’t choose it at all? Jackson’s most stubborn quietly let her lady pick it out for her. (Dina doesn’t know this, though, so be careful.) So after Dina said she had some ideas for her hand cover up, El Romeo just told Cat to just take whatever Dina wanted and turn that into a design, she’d have it regardless...just see it on the day of her appointment. I had to pick Cat up off the floor when she read Ellie’s letter. Anyhow, do not land me in any shit with Ellie about “loyalty” by letting on that you know, alright? Just tell her Cat and I said “Hi, Romeo.” 

Seriously though, I really do hope the family gathering goes well. You deserve to have a nice, easy night for once, M. I don’t know how you stay so strong and I wish you’d lean on us all a little more. We owe you our lives, man, you should ask me to run interference so you can enjoy some family time a little more often. 

Sadie.

—  
Dear Maria,

Thanks for agreeing to help out with this. I’m not really looking forward to it but I’m trying to trust Dina that it’s a good idea. If I get too upset, please just let me leave and focus on JJ, so that I can know that he’s alright no matter what. I won’t like, head for the hills or whatever but I don’t like having any of my episodes around him.

So I read up for some ideas on how people do this sort of thing. I have tried to be prepared with some of the smaller stuff. So if you just try and ask me whatever and kinda follow up to make it easier to get me used to it, then we can worry about actually telling him more when I’m used to it. So I know this is only dumb stuff but it’s a start:  
Did he like coffee?  
What were some of the ridiculous trades he did just to get some coffee?  
What was the dumbest joke he ever told me?  
What was his favourite food?  
What were all the different disgusting foods he liked to eat? 

I know it’s pretty limited right now but if we stick to that then it’s a start. 

Love, Ellie.

—

I have to do this. I have to. Oh holy fuck. Why can’t it ever be easy? 

—  
Dear Joel, 

Way back on the road , you pissed me off with never wanting to talk about anything. One time, I heard you mumble “I hate this crap” under your breath. You thought I didn’t hear you but I totally did, Old Man. Back then, I thought you were such a dick, but now? Well, I hate this crap, too. I get it. 

No offence, but honestly the last thing I wanna do is talk about you to anyone. Let alone JJ. I don’t wanna start mumbling “I hate this crap” in front of him, too, I’m too young to be as much of an old man as you. Well, you know that’s not really the problem with it, don’t you? I hate how all this makes memories feel like yet another burden. Why can’t I just at least have some peace with those? Don’t I even deserve just a little peace? I really hope Dina was right back then. I really don’t wanna end up with even less peace than I started with.

Ellie xx

—

Dear Dina,

I’m sorry that I walked out on you when you were trying to help me back there. I don’t like to have episodes around JJ and my priority was just on getting out of the situation. I knew Maria was there to look after him and I just wanted to follow my plan, which was to make sure he was safe and them leave and deal with it on my own.

I have to focus on JJ with these things. I have a really limited capability to think clearly once my ears start ringing, it’s taken a lot for me to have any control at all, actually. But now I have just enough time before I lose it to make sure he’s safe and to get away from him. I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you I’ll be any nicer if you’re around another time when this happens. If I tried to think about you as well, I might spread the control I have too thinly. I love you, but with this thing I have to choose between you two, and I hope you get why I have to chose him. 

It also hadn’t really occurred to me that you might try to help me if that happened, so I didn’t think to discuss it. Part of me would have loved the comfort of having your help, but I don’t think I’m ready for that. I don’t think I can accept your help in a situation where I’m that vulnerable and then go back to being distant co-parents straight afterward. It’s too intimate for me to handle unless we get to a place of having a more intimate relationship all around.

Maria and I had a plan for this, she probably told you that anyhow but just in case, I’m safe at her place right now. I’m gonna stay here awhile then I’ll try to head back over. I’m okay now, I’m not crying or freaking out anything. 

I should give you a heads up for when I come back, though. Robin and Maria are kinda used to seeing me like this now but we obviously have seen each other much lately so it’ll be new to you. 

I don’t know if you’ve heard of (yet more therapy book talk incoming) “emotional blunting” or “dissociation”. Basically, they’re things that I get sometimes, especially after I get upset, where I’m just not quite myself, and just kinda cut off a bit from how I feel. I think I‘m like that right now. So I might seem a little off, but I’m not doing it on purpose or anything. I’m trying to connect and let people in but sometimes it’s like my mind shuts the door on that for me. Please don’t think I’m not trying if you notice this stuff. I’ll try to be normal when I come back. 

I’ll make it back when I can, but I know I left kinda dramatically so if you want to come by to talk alone first, then you can come round here and we can talk. I’ll head back to Maria’s after I drop this round so you can find me there.

Sorry if I’ve messed up the party. I hope I didn’t upset you too much.

Love, Ellie.

—  
[Extracts from “A Guide to PTSD Symptoms”]

Introduction

[...]different, so symptoms will vary between patients. No one person is likely to have every symptom in the guide. Equally, only having a small number of the many possible symptoms listed in this guide is not reason alone to doubt a diagnosis of PTSD[...]

Reduced Affect Display 

A reduction in outward displays of emotion[...] affecting ability to communicate emotions and/or describe one’s emotional state[...]May or may not co-occur with a reduction in the actual range or intensity of emotions felt by the patient[...]

[...]common for laypeople to describe a person in this situation as appearing “cold,” “robotic,” “guarded,”[...]care should be taken with such perceptions and the language used with a patient. 

Emotional blunting 

A subtype of Reduced Affect Display (see pg.24) characterised by a significant reduction in emotional range. Unlike in cases of “flat affect,” (pg. 32) some emotional range is visible, but the level of reaction to stimuli, intensity of emotion displayed and scope for emotional communication with others are all significantly “blunted.” Less severe cases may be described as “constricted affect” (pg. 28)[...]

Dissociation

A wide-ranging set of experiences characterised by a reduced or lost sense of connection with one’s present, surroundings, emotions[...]

Often depicted as a spectrum[...]some types of dissociation occur in mentally healthy individuals, such as daydreaming due to boredom[...]

[...]also in a variety of illnesses as well as in PTSD...severe cases represent a disorder in their own right, separate to PTSD[...]

[...]many possible causes[...]in some cases, dissociation is a voluntary or involuntarily attempt to cope when other symptoms of PTSD become overwhelming[...]

—  
[Slid under Dina’s bedroom door]  
Dear Dina,

I know the family gathering was a little tough on you, so we’re gonna take JJ out for a few hours, let you relax a little and focus on yourself. We’re cooking your favourite for supper, so I’ve left you something light to have for your lunch. I know, I know you don’t expect these things, but I like to do it anyway sometimes. 

Love,

Robin

PS: Perhaps I should leave you be, but I can’t leave you alone without reminding you that you are doing an excellent job. When JJ is old enough to speak he’ll be saying how proud he is of his very brave mother, and in the meantime, let me say how proud we are of his mother. Having you in our family is a true blessing. 

—  
[Discarded letter]  
Dear [illegible]

I’m not sure it was a good idea to kiss her...

And I don’t know what to do now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter! It was way trickier to write than any of the others have been, and my beta reader did a HUGE amount of work this week to help me with it. As always, I’d love to hear from you all with your thoughts on the chapter and story overall, but it would also be lovely if you could take a minute to comment some thanks to anaughtywitcher for betaing this chapter because honestly it is so much better for her help! 
> 
> I’ve decided to keep the update schedule as being weekly, sorry that I’m not able to manage anything more frequent! I’ll see you all again next week. I’m on Tumblr in the meantime: @PurpleSunriseFanFic


End file.
